


Heroes' Unwanted Reward

by BitterAzure



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, It's just like a slice of life with a pinch of PTSD, M/M, Name Changes, Slow-paced, Some Fluff, Some Humor, Some angst, They were re-born after all, it has it all, longfic, lots of changes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2018-04-15 21:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 38,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4591398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterAzure/pseuds/BitterAzure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were all born into this world again, but if it was a prize for their faithful servitude, why did God make them remember? Regardless of everything, all there was left to do is just trying to live as best as they can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I am updating all the existing chapters before continuing with the story :)  
> Updated: 22.02.2018

**April 4th, Saturday**

“Hello?"

‘Ah, Alex, darling!’ a cheerful, young voice rang on the other end of the line. The woman was his landlady. ‘I know you told me anyone is alright, but I'm a bit worried after all. Have you met him yet?’

"No, no. I'm still in the train. I should be there in an hour or two. Is there a problem?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

‘Well… I'm not sure. He has barely moved in so I went to check on him today. You know, just to make sure everything is alright. And he just seems a bit  _off_.’

"What do you mean?"

‘It's probably nothing, really. Maybe it's just that he's not even European. I don't know. I was never good with foreigners," she sighed. "Just let me know when you meet him, okay?’

"I will, but why―"

‘Don't worry about it. I don't want to bias your opinion.’

And there he was, going back from his hometown where he visited his family for his father's birthday, a new flatmate awaiting to meet him in their now shared apartment. He had to admit it all sounded very nice. Like he was having a pleasant, peaceful life. It might have been so if it wasn't just...

Lies. Big, giant lies.

Alex? No. Oh fuck no. His name was  _Allen_ , not Alexander, goddammit. There was one person a long time ago – long enough that he shouldn't even have memories from those times at all – that couldn't remember this one word. Allen thought it was aggravating then, but now― now he would have to argue with his  _birth certificate_  about that.

The same document stated he was born twenty four years ago. He would call it a joke if it wasn’t so depressing. Because it was really so much earlier than that. He didn't like to think about it, but it wasn't like he could just forget; that he was not normal. He wondered so many times if he wasn't just sick somehow, mentally. But what would that make his friend, Fen? No, not Fen – _Lenalee_. Would it mean she was an illusion? He almost snorted. It was  _so_ highly unlikely. Illusions didn't have jobs as flight attendants. Didn't have husbands, children, co-workers.

He met her when he was twelve, flying by plane to spend two weeks of his precious vacations with his parents and little brother on Hawaii. They could afford that. Which was only one of the many things Allen couldn't get used to.

When he noticed her then, he dropped his meal. He felt really bad for it since she had to clean that up after him, but he couldn't help the shock that overwhelmed him. It was the first sign of his unexplainable memories being real. His mother was looking at him with a really weird expression for the rest of the day, but running after Lenalee to the second class compartment was still worth it. He clutched her arm, maybe a bit forcefully and she was clearly bothered by that, not sure if she should make a real problem out of that since he was only a child. When he pathetically stuttered "It's you, isn't it? Lenalee," her rigorist job was probably the only reason she managed to remain calm. She was on the verge of crying though, he saw that.

They exchanged mail addresses then and met up as soon as they could. In London, when Allen told his parents he was going to his friends' for a birthday party. They believed him easily, he was – for obvious reasons – a really mature child and they trusted him.

He and Lenalee were in contact since then and he was endlessly glad about it. There were moments when she was the only thing keeping him sane. Though, being a mother already, she fawned over him sometimes, cooing what an adorable child he was. It was a bit embarrassing, but he let her do as she pleased. She lived in USA anyway, so it wasn't like they met up very often. Though still it was possible, due to her being a flight attendant. She had always let him know if she was in England.

Smiling at the thought of her, he let his mind wander around the new flatmate. Should he be worried? His landlady seemed really thrown off by him, whoever he was. Not European, huh?

That didn’t sound like a problem, so he hoped they could get along.

His mind still lingered on the thought when he got into the metro. He was tired. Being with his family always did that to him. It was horrible, really. He wasn't the person they thought he was and he couldn't really let them know. So being asked about how was he doing he could only talk about college and his job. No mentions of feeling lost and not quite in place.

He rearranged his travelling bag on his arm, now walking the streets, the surprisingly warm April sun shining down on him. He wondered what was waiting for him in the apartment. He was admittedly so distressed that he stood in front of his door for about two full minutes before he turned the lock. Well, he would take on anything that comes his way. Surely nothing could be as bad as being constantly alone with his thoughts.


	2. April 4th, Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 22.02.2018

**April 4th, Saturday**

To Allen's bewilderment, the apartment was empty. There was a winter jacket he didn't recognize hanging on the rack right past the entrance, but that was about it. At least for the first glance. Well, the guy could be anywhere though, no one said he had to be home all the time.

"Hello?" he called once more just to be sure as he entered the living room. Still, no response.

It was very spacious. Too big for him alone, to be honest. That was one of the reasons why he decided he wanted a flatmate in the first place. The simplest one of them, too. Maybe only besides the obvious money-saving merit.  

It was all his mother's fault, honestly. She used to pay for the place before he could afford it himself, because she just loved to spoil him. Allen could surely say that if he had any freedom of choosing it himself,  it definitely wouldn't be as high-standard as his mother seen fit for him.  His younger brother, Benjamin, didn't have it that good and Allen felt awful for it. It was just that― his parents thought he was a genius and were giving him painfully obvious special treatment. It wasn't like he could blame them for that, but truthfully he was just― an adult. All this time, since the early years, he mentally was a fucking adult. And, intellectually, a pretty average one, too. Maybe only except for the amount of languages he knew. He’s been all over the world after all, whether it be with Cross as a child or later, with the Black Order.

Still though, even as his studies went pretty normally, no big achievements or anything, his parents' hopes only kept going up. It was frustrating. He wanted, so much, to apologize to his brother more times than he could count, but just couldn't. It wasn't like it was all possible to explain. He much more preferred to be hated, acting as someone that made Benjamin try his best. He was a very ambitious young man now, on his way to University of Cambridge.

Allen cared for his family, he really did. They were good, loving people but― well, to put it bluntly, he never thought he really belonged with them, as much as it hurt him. Having grown up on the streets way back when, he always craved parental love, but now… It was just not very easy to hear them call him their son. He felt like an intruder, sometimes, and found himself always, _always_ acting and pretending.

He sighed and went to his room to stash his things away. He knew it would sit for a week if he didn't unpack it now, so he did just that. Then, he made himself some tea, just sitting at the table in the kitchen, waiting.

He was starting to get pretty anxious. What if the person wasn't going to show up today? Worse yet, what if he does but Allen hates him? The worst case scenario would probably be if it was someone intrusive and analytical, like Lavi. Last thing he needed was to get his mind dissected. There was really too much going on in there.

As he was sitting there, fidgety, he noticed that the door to the previously empty room wasn’t closed. And he knew he should respect people’s privacy. Especially since he just admitted to himself he hated intrusive people as flatmates. But― well, there was no one around. And it was his apartment in the first place, yeah? Surely he could peek just a bit. He was just so  _curious_.

He got up slowly, feeling like he was doing something really nasty. Maybe he really shouldn’t after all. Except that his legs were already leading him. Just one glance wasn’t that bad, was it?

Just a few steps across the living room and he was there, pushing the door wide open, holding his breath.

Well―

It didn't look  _used_  much, really. That is, a suitcase was resting atop the wardrobe and there was a laptop tossed on the bed and all. But the room was just so impossibly empty besides that. It made him sad, somehow. Though he guessed it was rather normal, it’s only been a few days since the guy moved in. He smiled to himself at his own silliness. What was he expecting? He almost laughed. He had a tendency to be paranoid, sometimes. At least since he was ‘Alex’, that is.

His humour came to an abrupt stop as he noticed one previously missed detail that made him freeze. There was a― a  _sword_. Resting innocently next to the bed, sheathed. It was― well, it was weird in itself, but, what was much worse, he had a feeling he saw a very similar one somewhere before. Somewhere…

"What do you think you're doing, dipshit," a dangerous-sounding voice came from behind him and his muscles tightened up all at once at the sound of it, paralyzing recognition flaring in his mind instantly.

Before he knew what was happening, his new flatmate moved to pin him against the wall, but he stepped aside in time, watching the person before him with wide eyes and quickened breath. No. _No_. It was―

Impossible. He had shorter hair, reaching just a bit past his shoulders and he was clearly not as muscular, but―

That  _face_ , that voice―

"Why the fuck would you go into my room?"

A hand tried to reach the front of his clothes, but he avoided the threat again.

He felt he should not speak up. Even if he wanted to explain himself. To say that the door was open, that he was only curious, that he was sorry, that he didn't even really go inside. But no, if he spoke up―

He was so glad he looked different. His natural hair was a reddish kind of brown after all and, well, he was  _normal_ , outwardly.Nothing marred his face. If he could refrain from speaking up, it would be probably hard to tell. That he was Allen. That they knew each other.

Blue eyes of the Asian man watched him curiously. He was clearly not used to people being able to keep up with him in a fight.

Allen resisted the stupid urge to cover his face.

"What, can’t you speak?" The man barked at him, clearly losing temper fast. Fuck, the familiarity was overwhelming. Too stunned at this point, Allen couldn’t react in time anymore. His pulse was quickening impossibly, almost making him dizzy.

"Shit," he groaned as he hit the wall, a hand firmly twisted in his shirt. He only realised that he said it out loud as thin eyebrows furrowed, the man suddenly watching him with undeniable curiosity.

Now in full-blown panic, he forcefully pushed the man away.

The Asian staggered just a bit backwards, clearly not having expected him to have much strength. Distracted in this way, he had no chance of catching up as Allen bolted away, loudly locking himself up in the bathroom.

His body was shaking, he noticed in embarrassment as he leaned on the door. He wasn't― imagining things, was he? No, he knew he wasn't. That person certainly was―

He was even more sure than that time with Lenalee, actually.

He took a few deep breaths, unsteady steps carrying him to the sink. He didn't like looking at himself in the mirror, so he spared his own features barely a glance. They were a pretty pitiful sight right now. He splashed some cold water onto his face before his body slumped forward, tightly closed fists supporting his bodyweight at the edges of the sink.

He didn't plan to hide here forever, no. He just needed a few seconds for reality to fully register. He briefly considered trying to play dumb, but― fuck, he wasn't about to watch every word he said  _at_   _home_ and he knew perfectly well that his new flatmate was already suspicious of him.

He remained as he was for just a bit more, steeling himself. And, eventually, he reached for a towel, unhurriedly drying his face. The darkness of having his closed eyes against the material felt slightly comforting, but he put the towel back in place. As he unlocked the door, he knew what he should do.

He found his new flatmate unpacking groceries the guy surely was out doing up until he shocked the shit out of Allen. Honestly, he appeared so suddenly. He didn't hear his steps at all. But, well, he knew that trick, too.

The Asian man only noticed him when he took a sip of his already lukewarm tea, putting the cup down with a cling. As he turned his face to Allen, finding him quietly sitting at the table right behind him, the man seemed more than surprised.

"I thought you ran away pissing your pants," he scoffed, having composed himself quickly.

Damn that asshole. Fuck, he hasn't missed him at all. Would be nice if it was true, at least.

"Well, no. Not really." Allen steadied his gaze, a flicker of something like recognition flashing in the other man's eyes. "I see you're still as charming as ever."

"What the fu―"

"Shut up, Kanda," Allen snapped before he could stop himself, a pack of noodles the man was holding instantly falling to the floor. The moment stretched impossibly, atmosphere heavy enough that the air seemed solid. Then the shocked blue eyes suddenly filled with anger.

"I'm moving out," he spat irritably, directing steps to his room right as he said that.

Allen sighed.  _Of course_  he would act like that.

"You're making no sense. You've already paid for this month," he called after him tiredly.

"Like I care. It's not worth being stuck with you, smartass," Kanda growled from the distance.

"No respect for the money, I see," Allen murmured under his breath, finishing the tea in one go. Well, it wasn't like he cared that much, it was more than enough that he just got to meet him. The man could get out in that very second, actually. It was probably just for the best.

The sounds of angry shuffling around rang in his ears with some sense of finality. He hated how much it bothered him when a distinct noise of a suitcase being thrown onto the bed followed.

He suddenly remembered how miserable he was before he found Fen. This feeling of insanity creeping on him as he had no guarantee his past self really existed. But he haven't felt that for a long time now. The contact with his old friend helped him so much. So he didn't need  _Kanda_ , of all people. But what if Kanda needed him?

Also, Lenalee would probably kill him if she got to know he met another one of their old companions and let him go just like that.

"You should stay," he spoke up.

Kanda actually stuck his head out of the room just to look at him furiously.

"We both don't want that," he said bluntly.

"No. But Lenalee does. Probably."

At that, the man’s eyes cleared up a little. Allen knew he had a soft spot for her. She was one of the very few that managed to really become friends with him. How did she do it, honestly.

"You've met her." It wasn't even a question.

"Yeah." He nodded, purposefully not adding any more information.

"And?" Kanda was back to the kitchen to glare at him steadily,  arms crossed on his chest.

"She's okay." Allen shrugged, trying hard to sound nonchalant. "Kids and husband and all."

Kanda visibly calmed down at that.

How _nice_. He really cared about her. It made Allen feel bitter, somehow. Though it was probably unfair of him. He was as eager to know how the ferocious ex exorcist was doing as the man cared about Allen himself. Despite that, he couldn't help noticing that Kanda's current reality was very likely as fucked-up as his once was. He could tell by how distressed the man seemed. It was truly nice that at least Lenalee was able to deal with this sick joke that their existence in those modern times was.

His eyes rested at his own pitch-black left hand with a grimace and he regretted it sorely as Kanda followed his gaze.

"Is it still―," the man begun, but Allen cut him off.

" _No_ ," he said sharply, immediately hiding it under the table.

Under Kanda's sceptic stare, he became repulsed with the whole situation.

"You know what, I changed my mind. Get out," Allen spat with a straight face, getting up to go to his room. Fuck Kanda. He didn't have to put up with this.

"Oh fuck no," the man bit right back at Allen, following him. "You're not going to boss me around. And fucking give me a contact to her, you brat."

" _Fuck you_. And as far as I know, I'm older than you now,  _brat_ ." Kanda's expression of rage was priceless as he shut the door right in his face.

 


	3. April 5th, Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 22.02.2018

**April 5th, Sunday**

On the next day, Allen shuffled out of his room with a feeling of resignation and his mood only worsened when the first thing he saw that morning was Kanda's disgusted face directed right at him.

Judging by the towel he had around his hips, the man clearly just took a shower and, thank God, was going to his room to dress himself for the day.

Because really, he didn't want to look at his bitch face so damn much.

After dealing with the morning routine in the bathroom, noticing with distaste that it smelled like a really nice shower gel that Kanda just used, Allen found himself in the kitchen. Unfortunately, Kanda was there as well and they were just bumping into each other every few seconds, each making his own breakfast in separate frying pans. Endless frustration was filling the air.

"Can't you fucking wait with that until I'm finished, I was here first," Kanda snapped after Allen half-accidentally hit him with his elbow for what had to be the tenth time.

"I  _lived_  here first, Kanda," Allen bit right back, purposefully snatching butter just as his flatmate was about to use it.

The whole morning continued in a similar manner and it only got worse as time ticked by. Especially as they both realised that neither had any plans to go out this Sunday and, apparently, they were stuck together for the time being.

They settled on pretty much ignoring each other, but then the landlady called 'Alex' sometime around noon and he couldn't resist getting on Kanda's nerves just a little bit more.

"Yes, I've met him. Sorry for not calling yesterday," he said loudly enough that the other man heard him awfully clear as he sat on the couch, Allen resting against the kitchen counter in a relaxed fashion. Knowing that he had Kanda’s full attention now, he smiled with satisfaction.

"And? What do you think?" the woman asked him with poorly concealed curiosity.

"He's an  _ass_. I doubt it has anything to do with him not being European. He just has an awful personality."

The man in question glared at him, now openly.

"Oh? So I was right about him," she sighed. "Well― so what are we going to do?" Then there was a pause and Allen could almost see her being struck with a realization. "Wait. He's out right now or something, yeah? Is it really safe for you to be talking like that?"

"No, no. He's listening. Don't worry though. I think it flatters him," he scoffed and the woman hummed uncertainly.

"You sound pretty confident about that. Do you know each other by any chance?"

"Well, yes, actually. He used to love making my life miserable a long time ago." He ostentatiously turned his back on Kanda as he was saying that, imagining him tightening his fists in frustration.

"A long time? Like what, kindergarten? You sound so old sometimes, Alex," she laughed and he made himself do the same, even if with a hint of bitterness.

If only she knew.

"Anyway, are you going to be okay then?"

"Yeah, I think I can manage," he assured her.

She didn't sound all that convinced, but was clearly busy and as he heard some voices in the background, she hastily apologized that they had to end the conversation for now.

"Okay, bye. I'll let you know if he causes any problems." With that, he ended the connection and slid his phone back into his pocket.

Kanda clicked his tongue, moving to hole himself up in his room with an air of irritation. "You're the brat after all," he spat before shutting the door.

Allen smiled to himself at that. It was so strangely nice, really. Behaving like that instead of constantly worrying about people noticing something odd about him, struggling for their acceptance. Kanda's opinion on him couldn't get any lower anyway, probably. In the most complicated way imaginable, he was endlessly glad for their strange relation.

Left to his own devices, Allen decided to get to work. What he liked best about his job as a translator was the fact he could do it anywhere – including his own bed – and with minimal social interaction. In most cases that is. Which was really good since, over the years, he found himself slowly but surely becoming the loner type. He still loved people and appreciated them, but it was just so much easier to be alone.

He was working on a book in Italian for some time now and was progressing pretty nicely, but the few days he has spent with his family reflected noticeably on how much he managed to get done. So he guessed it was just safer to speed up the tempo a bit. Especially since he had to go to the university twice the following week.

During the short break he took later on, he toyed with the idea of contacting Lenalee, but decided he could as well let Kanda's presence be a surprise. Because truth was he had invited her over for the next weekend about two months prior. All he had to do was keep Kanda in place until then. Which wasn't as hard as it seemed, he guessed. The more he told him to get out, the more likely he was to stay. And, well, he  _wanted_  the man to get out. He also wasn't above letting him know about that as frequently as he felt like it.

Next time they interacted with each other, it was already late evening.

"Listen, dipshit―"

"I have a name, you know," Allen interrupted him, feeling a bittersweet sense of familiarity.

"Yeah, a name which I don't know and don't care for," Kanda answered snappishly.

"My real name is still _Allen_ , that much hasn't changed," he worded pointedly, eyebrows furrowing. The other eyed him coldly at that and he realized his reaction might have seemed exaggerated. Though has it really? He was always very particular about that one topic and Kanda should know that better than anyone else.

"Whatever. Just keep in mind that the faster you give me the fucking contact to her, the faster I'll move out." Kanda wasn't even going to specify. Not that he needed to, not really.

"You can as well do it now then, because I'm not about to," Allen pointed at him with his fork as he said that and barely repressed a smile when that made Kanda dump his plate into the sink with more force than necessary before he walked away.

"Put that into the dishwasher, would you?" he called after him, but a scoff was all he got in reply.

 


	4. April 6th, Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 22.02.2018

**April 6th, Monday**

"Why are you here? Don't you have classes in your elementary school today or something?" Allen asked irritably as Kanda was obviously present in the apartment the next day, despite it being ten o'clock. Weekend was over! Did the man really have nothing to do? Honestly, he just really wished for some peace. He had nightmares again tonight and he was not entirely sure he had it in him to not let it show. It was really difficult sometimes - dreaming about his past was not the same as dreaming about something random. He vividly remembered all the feelings. Desperation was probably the worst of them. He haven’t slept well.

However, teasing Kanda was still pretty nicely distracting. He could tell his little remark made the man want to throw things at him.

"Don't make me crush your  _damned face_ , I'm  _twenty_."

“What, you mean an adult? You sure don’t act like one,” he pressed on.

Kanda glared at him over his breakfast. “Look who’s talking,” he spat.

Allen just rolled his eyes as he opened the fridge. His nose scrunched at the lack of supplies. Well, he had to have toasts again, then. He should really go buy some stuff today. He was with his family for around a week and he made sure to eat pretty much everything before he went, not wanting to waste food.

He prepared his meal in silence and then sat with it at the table, right across his flatmate.

“Your face is ruining my appetite,” Kanda said seriously.

“Happy to be of service,” Allen bowed his head gracefully, sending him a brilliant smile. The man briefly looked like he was about to vomit.

“You― is that my cheese?” Accusing blue eyes narrowed and the gray ones just held his stare evenly.

“Maybe,” Allen said, taking a bit of his toast, the loud crunching sound almost mocking. And yes, it was Kanda’s cheese.

“I paid for it, you brat.”

“Well, I paid for this table,” Allen’s gaze was daring now. “And I told you, I’m older now.”

Kanda just scoffed at that, rising his chin with a victorious look. “I’m still taller.”

He indeed was and him pointing it out definitely didn’t go appreciated.

“Mmmmm, damn. This cheese is  _really good_. I think I’m gonna have some more toasts.”

“I’m not gonna be paying for your damn food!” Kanda was clearly thinking that Allen still ate as much as he used to, hence his serious tone. Allen had to bite the inside of his cheek not to snicker. He was definitely not going to correct him.

“Oh, but you already are. Your rent goes straight into my savings.”

Allen almost choked on his laughter, and the toasts, when the comment made Kanda dramatically get up from the table. Having finished eating anyway, the man just stormed off to his room, leaving his plate and mug on the table. Fuck, maybe Allen missed him after all. Just a tiny bit.

“Kanda, I told you! _The dishwasher!_ ” he called after the man as sternly as he could manage.

When a string of curses followed in the distance, Allen just shook his head. He didn’t have more toasts. He also took care of Kanda’s dishes himself. And with that, he went back to work.

Or at least that was what he attempted to do, but couldn't focus. Honestly,  _why_  was Kanda just sitting around on a Monday? That is― Allen guessed he could be doing a major where he didn't have that much classes or something, right? Of course. No need to overthink it, really. But still, it wasn't letting him focus for some reason.

He knew all too well how it felt. Suddenly being in a world with no place to belong. He imagined it was how all the ex-Exorcists were now – _if_ everyone was really born again. He couldn’t think of any rule for it though, so that was probably the case.

Fuck, it was so messed up. They were given a fresh start and theoretically had all the perspectives that normal people had. But― really? Why would someone who was living on the battlefield suddenly go to school? Worry about education, family, relationships, employment? It didn't feel right. He remembered how tempted he was to just quit. To give up on this unnatural live. The world still existed and that was all the prize they needed, so what sense did it all make?

But it wasn't right. He knew that. A chance is still a chance. They could do all the things they couldn't back then. Lenalee made him see that. She was really happy now. With her family.

If― if Kanda was doing something _stupid_  like― existing without a purpose and just waiting for something to finally kill him, he won't forgive him.

He closed his laptop with too much force, grimacing. He wanted to confront the man.

But― hey, really, he could be overreacting. Waiting for a few more days, observing, seemed like a much better idea.

Sighing, he got up, settling on making himself some tea. He could grab a snack, too. It’s been a few hours since the breakfast.

As usual, he felt like he could eat a mountain of different foods, unable to decide on just one. It was a stupid problem, but it was still bothering him a bit, especially since Kanda made him think of it earlier. His stomach seemed so  _small_  now. How in hell could people function like this? Of course, back to the problem of the empty fridge, it wasn’t like today he had that much of a choice.

He should definitely go shopping. Now. He absently pondered on buying back Kanda’s cheese. He really wasn’t one to disrespect other people’s money, no matter how he enjoyed teasing the other man.

His thoughts were interrupted, because Kanda was sitting in the living room again. This time with a laptop, sat comfortably on a coach. But what really stood out in the picture was the fact the he had glasses on.  _Glasses_. Oh God, he almost looked smart. It was unbearable.

"What?" the man snapped at him and Allen realized he must have been watching him with some kind of funny expression.

"They suit you," he said, gesturing at Kanda's face with a nod of his head. They really did. Even if it seemed a bit funny.

"Shut up," the man answered, pretty predictably, then just focusing back on his screen with a displeased scowl.

Scrambling around the kitchen in silence to have a drink before he left to go shopping, he gave Kanda occasional appraising looks. Yeah, the glasses really did suit him. Though it seemed sad in a way. The person who could heal close to any wound in the past, now needed things like that. He could only imagine how weird of a feeling it had to be for the man.

"Are you dyeing your hair?" Kanda asked suddenly, derailing Allen's train of thought. His tone was flat, the man probably not wanting to let him know he was curious.

"What do you mean?" he asked at first, really not getting it. But one dubious glance Kanda shot him above his frames was enough for him to realise his stupidity.

"Oh," he blinked. "No, it's my natural colour." Then he furrowed his eyebrows, specifying. "It always was."

Kanda actually looked a bit surprised.

"Did you really think someone could just have white hair like that? _Really_?" Allen laughed at him openly, which Kanda certainly didn't appreciate.

"Well, you weren't exactly _normal_ , idiot," he snapped. "If you could have had that hand, then―," the man was clearly about to go into an argument on very uncomfortable topics, but then interrupted himself suddenly, falling quiet. "Never mind. Let’s not go there."

Kanda wasn't looking at him now.

Allen relaxed his hands that tightened into fists somewhere along the way. It took him a few calming breaths before he spoke.

"Yeah. Let's not," he replied coldly, shutting himself inside his room again, mug it hand. Crap, he forgot he wanted to go shopping.

 _God damn it_. He fucking knew having Kanda around wasn't a good idea. They―  _knew_  too much about each other. Had too much to shove into each other's faces. Kanda withdrew this time. Before he even begun saying something that could have bothered both of them, really. But Allen knew all too well – and Kanda did, too – how much overboard they could go sometimes when having a fight.

Kanda's past – not their mutual one, but the one from before they met – was what haunted his dreams that night.

 


	5. April 9th, Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 22.02.2018

**April 9th, Thursday**

"I asked you to buy milk," Allen whined, making a face as he poured yoghurt over his cereal.

"You could have bought it yourself," Kanda answered snappishly. Well, he didn't want to admit he just forgot, actually. He didn't like diary that much, besides cheese, so it just so happened he completely omitted the alley while doing groceries today. And he shouldn't have. At least he wouldn't have to hear the idiot complaining.

"No, I couldn’t. There is a reason why we agreed to take turns shopping."

Jesus. Did he ever  _shut up_.

"I agreed to nothing. Not even to  _living_  here, so fucking stop trying to set a  _routine_." Kanda irritably crossed his arms over his chest, clicking his tongue.

"Oh? So you're finally moving out? Today, maybe?" Allen sounded all too pleased.

"No." Of course he wasn’t.

"Then cooperate." Allen shot Kanda a look as if he had  _won_ before retreating to his room with the food, probably busy with something. Kanda glared at his back wholeheartedly.

He didn't understand him. Not one fucking bit. Couldn't he just give him the contact to that damn woman and let them part ways? Forever, preferably. He wanted to meet her, but was starting to consider if it was really worth it.

Though it wouldn't have been so bad, actually, If only it always looked like the previous two days. The bean went off somewhere, university or some other shit, and Kanda was left to himself, doing nothing in particular.

'Bean sprout', huh? It was no fun calling him that now, with all the whiteness gone. It made Kanda displeased to a surprising extent.

He clicked his tongue again, deciding it was time to go about his own breakfast. He finished his tea and was starting to get hungry.

And no, Kanda wasn't stupid enough to think people could casually go having white hair, not really. Though he remembered Allen's white eyebrows and eyelashes all too vividly. They stood out after all. That could fool anyone. It was very easy to believe it was just normal for the bean to be white and pale and all too much albino-like.

He wondered what could have happened that he became like that then. Though it was pretty clear to him that it was one of those things Allen had always been hiding, which he knew was plenty. He was probably better off not knowing anyway.

After eating, Kanda went right back to what he was doing ever since he moved in – that is looking for a new apartment. It was such a pain in the ass. He was hoping he won't be doing that again for a long time when he found Allen's place. It was nice, spacious and well-situated.

All the pros were easily outweighed by this one con that was Allen fucking Walker though and he was stuck doing this damned searching thing again.

He put his glasses on.

 _Suited_  him. Right.

After a ridiculous amount of time, he still had nothing interesting. Was it really so fucking hard? He wasn't about to stay with Allen forever, for fuck's sake.

But, well, he had to put up with this situation till the end of the month. He might have been saying otherwise, but money mattered in this God forsaken reality they found themselves in. And he didn't have that much of it. Or not enough to just abandon the place he paid for anyway.

What made his situation a bit more difficult was the fact he was very unwilling to try living with  _someone_  again. He decided to look for a studio flat now.

He was aware that suddenly bumping into Allen was probably the most unlikely and most unfortunate thing that could happen, but he didn't want to risk it. Not again. Especially since― it wasn't like his previous arrangement was any better.

But that wasn't a coincidence, no. It was―

It was a mistake. His mistake.

As the thoughts of his previous flatmate invaded his mind, he was tempted to throw his laptop away. But he just tossed his glasses on the floor instead, sitting the computer on the couch beside him.

" _Fuck_." He rubbed his face irritably, fingers sliding to push his hair back.

He wasn't contacting that person again. And it was a good choice, he convinced himself so.

It was of course that precise moment Allen decided to reappear in the kitchen-living room compartment and he stopped dead on his track, staring right at him.

Kanda only glared, as if daring him to speak. They were completely still like that for what seemed to be a really long while, but then something changed in the other man's face.

"I'm not asking," Allen spoke up finally, but didn't move from his place.

 _Good_. Someone nosing into his private stuff was the last thing he needed.

It was only then that Kanda noticed a pack of Marlboro in Walker's hand. "Wanna smoke?" a question followed.

"I don't smoke." It was only half-true. He didn't expect that from the bean though. A grimace twisted his face.

"Okay. Well, whatever." Allen was clearly about to shrug, but then suddenly stopped halfway, smiling in this completely fake way only he could pull off. "Oh, right, you're the health freak type. Meditation and your body being a temple, right? I'm  _so sorry_. I won't ask again."

Kanda wanted to hit him. Honestly wanted to hit him. But then Allen passed by him and, luckily for his face, went straight to the balcony.

"Little shit," Kanda mumbled, but obviously not quietly enough since Allen's head popped right back into the room with a grimace.

"I heard that," he said and made a few steps forward, taking a drag and blowing smoke right into the other's face.

Kanda glared.

"Bummer. You were supposed to cough," he said with face exaggeratedly full of distaste.

Kanda glared harder. He really needed to move out. Meanwhile though―

He stood up with a repressed sigh and followed Allen out onto the balcony. Maybe he needed a cigarette after all. How could he fucking quit if all those stupid things were happening to him all the time. The sprout looked at him curiously, seeing that he was following, but said nothing. He just passed him the pack instead, the small smile on his face surprisingly genuine. Privately, very privately, Kanda thought he should wear it more often.

They both just went about their business for the remainder of the day, but it was hard not to notice how Allen was throwing him curious looks sometimes. Kanda grimaced to himself, displeased that the man had to witness his vulnerable moment. Somewhere at the back of his head though, Kanda knew that if he was to ever talk to someone about Alma, whether it be about present or past, it would be with Allen. He witnessed everything after all, parading through his memories from the Asian Branch without his consent. It made it easier, because he didn’t really have to explain anything. Still, Kanda was definitely not about to start the topic. The mere thought of it made him sick.

Fuck. He needed a cigarette again.

 


	6. April 10th, Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 22.02.2018

**April 10th, Friday**

Lenalee was coming tomorrow and Allen felt very satisfied with how he managed to make Kanda stay up until now. She was going to love the surprise, he believed.

As for Kanda― he was probably going to be kind of pleased, too. As far as that was possible anyway. And the only thing that was bothering him at the moment was how it strongly looked like Kanda has really― been doing  _nothing_ for those few days they lived together. Allen understood he probably didn't look much better from the outside, holed up in his room all the time. But hey, he could always apologize if it turned out Kanda was busy with something as well. Or, well, maybe not really  _apologize_ , but― yeah.

He was eating his dinner when pondering on that, openly staring at Kanda from his seat at the table.

"What are you doing?" he asked finally, already far from the point when he could stop himself.

"Fucking sitting with my laptop, can't you see?" Kanda clicked his tongue, obviously not appreciating being bothered.

"Yeah. I see that. Been seeing that for a few days already, actually. That's not really what I meant. What are you doing in your life right now." He did his best not to sound curious. At that, the man looked up at him with an ugly scowl.

"Why do you care?"

Allen calmly chewed down on his noodles, swallowing before answering.

"I don't. Or rather, I wouldn't if you weren't slacking off right before my eyes. At my damned apartment," he answered more-or-less honestly, wondering if Kanda was going to really divulge him anything. If not, then Allen was probably right about him. The man was highly unlikely to pass a chance of proving him wrong.

"It's still none of your business. And stop acting as if I _want_ to be here, asshole."

Kanda's defensive answer made him sigh sadly.

"Mmm, s' that so," he mumbled, more to himself than anything.

"Are you even in a position to judge, really. You're always just sitting in your room," the man scoffed at him.

Ah, yes. There it goes.

"I'm working," he answered flatly.

Kanda faltered. He was clearly not expecting that, which was stupid. He  _could_ afford this damn apartment after all. Which was partially because of his parents who supported him in rare case when he didn't get enough commissions and couldn't get by, but about  _that_ Kanda had no way of knowing.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm _actually working_. From home, but still." Kanda grimaced. "You?"

"Not right at the moment." He almost gritted that through his teeth.

Huh. The real answer was ‘never have’ then. He hoped a conversation with Lenalee could help with Kanda's obvious lack of motivation. And no, he wasn't really trying to shame the man right now. He understood. It was just disappointing. Seeing someone like Kanda - once dutiful and dedicated - without any purpose was actually short of depressing.

Sighing, Allen put his dishes in the washer.

He was about to go for his cigarettes to his room, but then remembered he wanted to smoke after eating all along and actually had them in his pocket. So, going to the balcony, he paid Kanda no heed. The man should probably think a few things over. Him pointing things out could have streaked Kanda's pride the right way if he was lucky.

Bringing up his lighter he kept inside the pack, he stilled, noticing that the man actually followed him again, just like yesterday. Was this going to turn into a habit?

"Huh," he articulated around his cigarette.

"Shut up," Kanda huffed tiredly, stealing him one Marlboro before he could react.

Allen smiled a bit and Kanda completely ignored him, sitting down, back leaning heavily against the wall.

Taking it as a strange form of opening up, Allen just squatted, handing him a lighter as soon as he himself used it.

"Can I ask you something?" he hummed as Kanda took a drag, not looking at him.

"No” was his answer.

“I’m gonna anyway. Why the hell do you sit in the living room all the time if I bother you so much?” Allen was really curious about that, too. No matter how he thought about it, it just made no sense. The look Kanda gave him was disarmingly incredulous.

“Where am I supposed to be sitting, you fucking genius?”

“Your bedroom?” Allen offered.

“Bedroom is for sleeping.”

He almost snorted at Kanda’s simple answer and bit his lip, trying to just― _not make a joke about sex, not make a joke about sex_. As he sometimes had to, Allen tried to remind himself that putting Kanda and sex into one sentence was forbidden, even just in his mind. Why? It just _was_. Thinking about the rule was already violating it, so it was better to simply let it be.

Then they stayed like that in a pretty companionable silence. Watching Kanda from the corner of his eye, Allen smiled a bit, despite himself. The man was going to be okay, wasn't he? Just a push in the right direction was all he needed. Though that push wasn't a job for him, he guessed.

That was when he decided that if Kanda changes his mind about them living together, he had no business in not letting him. Even if he was faintly aware they shared memories that should not be prodded upon.

"Even small steps are fine, you know," he said before leaving the balcony, the package oh-so-unintentionally abandoned, should Kanda need it.

Getting used to this strangely peaceful and confusingly boring world wasn't easy, but it's not like it wasn't worth it. Kanda just had to discover it himself.


	7. April 11th, Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this is not really a new chapter yet, it's just never been posted on ao3, sadly. I'm really sorry for that though! I'm currently fixing what I have before I go ahead with the story. Either way, my main posting place will be here now. I'll also get to writing new-new chapters soon enough :)
> 
> All the previous chaps have been updated, so please consider taking a look before you read this one!

**April 11th, Saturday**

"Allen? Don't get me wrong, but do you want to get rid of me? Sorry to say that, but I saw you drive away. You seemed in quite a hurry," Lenalee said to the phone, worried.

Has something happened? She didn't like the idea of him not wanting her over. But, well, why go inviting her if that was the case?

‘ _Shit_.’

Oh. She was probably not supposed to hear that.

‘Lenalee… I know how it looks like, but can you please go to my apartment anyway? I'm not there, but… anyway, just please do.’

She furrowed her eyebrows. Really, he was such a cryptic boy sometimes. It did sound kind of interesting though. She smiled.

"Okay―," she started, wondering. "Am I supposed to wait for you in front of the door then? You know, I could just go buy a cake or something instead if you need some time. Oh! Or―"

‘No, no. Lenalee, just please go. You'll see, okay?’

"O-okay then," she blinked slowly, amused.

‘And do knock. Ah, sorry, I have to go. I'm driving and― you know,’ he finished lamely, but she decided not to press.

"Fine, fine. And stop using your phone when you drive, really!"

‘Hey,  _you_ called me―! Ugh, okay, bye. Good luck.’

With that, the line went dead.

"Good luck," she echoed, surprised. What in the world―? She supposed she could only go see for herself, then. Right?

The elevator just came, so she put her phone back into the purse before pushing the button with ‘9’ on it.

Honestly, what was that all about? Oh! Maybe Allen found himself a nice guy at last and wanted her to meet him? Ah, no. It probably didn't make much sense. Why would Allen be absent in that case after all. Curious. Really curious. Wild ideas didn't stop appearing in her head even as she brought her hand up to knock. She was probably going overboard with her imagination, she thought, shaking her head.

"What the hell? Did you forget something? Fucking use your own―" The muffled voice she heard from the other side of the door became clear as the apartment suddenly stood open, revealing a young man. Words died on his lips as he saw her. "―key," he finished absentmindedly, furrowing his thin eyebrows.

Was that― It couldn't be, but―

It  _was_ , wasn't he?

She knew she was staring and the man before her didn't look pleased by that.

"Al―  _He_  isn't here," he clicked his tongue in a very nostalgic manner and she couldn't fool herself if she tried.

" _Kanda_ ― I…  _oh my God_ ," her voice cracked and she had a feeling her makeup was going to run down her face very soon. "Oh my God."

She covered her mouth with her shaking palm, trying to repress incoming sobs, but failed. In turn, he did the most awkward face she has ever seen on him, clearly fighting with himself if he should touch her arm or not, flash of recognition in his eyes.

"Lenalee?"

It was all it took for her to instantly embrace him tightly, sobbing into his shirt uncontrollably.

"I― didn't expect―," she tried to put herself together, but it didn't go that well and she felt a hand tentatively rest on the top of her head. But it only made her wail more, nose almost painfully digging into her friend's chest with the force of the hug.

"Stop," he said in an uncharacteristically soft voice. "You're ruining your makeup, aren't you," he mumbled, now a bit grumpily and she made herself reluctantly detach from him after another short moment.

"I'm― sorry. I just―," she couldn't really bring herself to even finish the sentence , wiping off the mascara from under her eyes, guessing it was probably everywhere now. On his shirt for sure.

"Come in," he interrupted her, visibly a little uncomfortable and then stepped to the side, letting her pass.

Walking inside, she tried taking calming breaths, then gratefully taking a glass of water Kanda handed her. Oh, she was such a mess; she didn't even notice he went off anywhere and yet he was already back.

"Thank you," she managed after drinking a few sips, nodding her head, hand gripping the glass firmer than necessary.

"You can―" He gestured at the coach stiffly and she couldn't hold back a laugh.

"Kanda, you don't have to try so hard to be courteous. But thank you." She smiled genuinely, taking a sit. "God, I probably look horrible right now. That Alex, he could warn me― somehow―"

Kanda made a disoriented face and she realized her mistake.

"Oh, right. I can call him Allen. It's you, after all. I― It's amazing. I thought I was lucky enough just meeting him up until now and suddenly you―" She shook her head, teeth flashing in a bright grin she couldn't stop. "And look at you! Allen changed this much, but you're exactly the same. I mean, your hair is a little shorter, but that's just a detail. As handsome as ever, I almost feel ashamed. I'm so old compared to you both!"

Kanda took a sit by her side with a very weird expression.

"Lenalee, you're rambling," he worded a bit snappishly, giving off a slight impression of being embarrassed. It was so cute, honestly.

"I'm just happy, you know. Let me have my moment!," she laughed heartily.

He rolled his eyes at her, but she could tell he wasn't really irritated.

"And, um, I don't want to be rude, but― what are you doing here, actually? How did you both even get in touch― I can believe he didn't let me know." She could hardly decide which questions should she ask first.

"Coincidence," he said. Judging by his tone, he clearly didn’t think it was a fortunate one, too. But Lenalee just tried to stop herself from biting her lip at that, thinking how the ideas she had before coming here have hit pretty close home.  _Found himself a nice guy_ , was it? Well, Kanda maybe wasn't really  _nice_  per se, but―

"And how old are you now? You really look so  _young_! I'm thirty five and― well, being called 'Lenalee' always takes me back to the old days. I'm Wu Fen now. You don't have to call me that though, of course. I understand it's probably― oh, sorry, I'm talking too much again, aren't I?" she laughed again, brushing her neck-length hair behind her ear. She felt so nervous, somehow.

"I'm twenty― Morita Rikuya." A slight grimace twisted his face and he wasn't really looking at her by now.

"Oh, then you're younger than―," she started, but the look in Kanda's eyes made her drop that. "Rikuya is a pretty unique name, isn't it? I've been a flight attendant and got to know a lot of people, but it's the first time I've heard that one." It was smooth, but still not smooth enough and Kanda looked a bit offended. Nothing to be surprised about, she guessed. With as well as she knew both her friends, it was all too easy to imagine the teasing which Kanda probably was on the receiving end of because of his age.

"Yeah." Kanda barely nodded.

They were having this, balancing on monologue, conversation for at least a few hours. It only continued for so long, because Lenalee was very curious. As a result of her insistent questioning, she got to know that Kanda had no siblings. His father was a politician and, judging by the man’s expression alone, they weren’t on good terms. His mother, on the other hand, was a housewife - it seemed like his father sported a very traditional Japanese mentality. They were divorced now, but Kanda clearly didn't really want to talk about it, so she didn’t insist. Her friend apparently moved out of Japan as early as he could, so when he turned eighteen. He didn’t say much about what he was doing since then.

Enough to say, Kanda wasn't really keen on giving his answers straight away, so she ended up patiently pulling things out of him. It took time, but it was okay. She didn't realise how much she had missed her friend, really. And he wasn't asking her much, but she still included a few things about herself that he could have cared for. Mostly, she blabbered about her two sons - one finishing primary school and the other during his awkward puberty years. He didn't show that much interest, outwardly, but the way he was listening carefully was enough of a proof for her that he actually wanted to know.

She checked her phone at some point, realising it's been enough time that her husband might have started to worry. They came to England together for a week and the kids stayed with grandma back home. He promised her they were going to spend a lot of time together, both forgetting about work for a while. But, well, she had to disappear for today. She explained him who she was going off to see, but very vaguely – it wasn't that easy to explain after all.

But, fortunately, he hasn't tried to contact her yet. What came instead was a text from Allen. ‘Can I come home now? I'm starting to get bored.’

"Oh, holy fish sticks," she muttered under her breath, ignoring Kanda who snorted in the background, preparing some coffee. The message came close to an hour ago. It only hit her now how considerate Allen was. He must have known Kanda was going to be awkward with her either way and it would have only been worse with him present. He was just so adorable.

"I'm calling Allen, okay?" she signalled the man in the kitchen, and then he was just making his way back, holding two steaming cups in his hands.

"He's going to be pissed he missed your visit." Kanda smirked with satisfaction and she frowned at him.

"What are you talking about, Kanda? He invited me, you know. Who do you take me for? I wouldn't just barge in without contacting!"

The man's expression faltered and it was her turn to smile. No way she was going to let Allen's favor go unnoticed. They both needed to acknowledge it wasn't really like one genuinely hated the other. There was more to it, she knew. It was high time for them to realise that, too.

She was the one to open the door when Allen finally came home. It didn’t take him long at all since her call, so he must have been somewhere nearby. She gave him hug and the way he avoided her gaze when she discreetly mentioned him being really sweet to Kanda was just completely endearing. She just talked mostly with him during the rest of her stay, all three of them on the couch, with her in the middle. The grumpier of the two was not speaking much at all, sometimes just making snide remarks at what the other was saying. They made her feel like she was a teenager again and she resolved to visit more often from now on.

As she was leaving, Allen gave her a quick hug in the same manner that he greeted her when he came back home, Kanda just hovering nearby. She knew better than to ever try to hug him with witnesses present. Sending them both a brilliant smile she just said "I'll pay you a visit again as soon as I can, okay?" and then the door closed.

Turning the lock behind her, Allen wondered what Lenalee and Kanda have been talking about. He'll just have to ask her later, probably. It's not like the man was going to tell him anything, so―

But it wasn't really like he wanted to be nosy. He could just observe and maybe intervene only when Kanda would still seem to be so―  _bored_. He knew the man well enough to know that stagnation couldn't be doing him any good. Kanda was definitely a man of action, he needed something he could dedicate himself to.

It was only a bit later that Allen realised he shouldn't care. Kanda was going to move out soon, after all. But as late evening came and the man didn't seem to be doing anything even resembling packing, he couldn't help himself and gave the Asian a long, meaningful stare, smirking.

" _What_ ," Kanda snapped at him. Provoking him was really so  _easy_. It was amazing.

"Nothing," he answered with a lopsided smile and didn't have to wait long for Kanda to glare at him. "Just wondering when are you going to start packing, is all."

"I'm tired today. Lenalee was asking too many questions," he clicked his tongue, but also turned his head away, breaking the eye contact.

Huh.

"Okay." Allen just shrugged and went about his own business in the kitchen, spirits unexpectedly high. Honestly, Kanda was so amusing sometimes.

"Thanks." Kanda murmured it so quietly that he thought he was hearing things. But when he looked up at him, eyebrows high, the man spoke up again, though still looking at the screen of his laptop. "For today."

"Oh." Allen was speechless for a moment, to say the least. "You're welcome," he said finally, tempted to add ‘It's not like I did it for you anyway.’ But he didn't do it, feeling like it would be too much of a lie, after all.

He slept really well that night.


	8. April 25th, Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another old-but-fixed chap! Just 4 more to go and then there will be new ones.

**April 25th, Saturday**

Kanda hasn’t moved the day following Lenalee’s visit. And the day after that.  _And_ the next. Before either of them noticed, it's been two weeks. Allen was done questioning him about that though. He just let it be, occasionally smiling to himself at how much Kanda could complain and yet do nothing about the thing that apparently aggravated him. Living with Allen, that is. And that's why, above all else, the currently older male was almost ready to admit they were becoming comfortable with each other's presence.  _Almost_ , because―

"So," he spoke up, waiting to gain even a semblance of the man's attention.

It was difficult though, because Kanda was set on making the situation more awkward than it really was. Allen just― made him his tea this morning. Green, obviously no sugar. Just like the man always prepared for himself. And, yeah, he also might have made a breakfast for two people―

Jesus. So  _what_? Really. He just woke up early today. It wasn't like he was forcing Kanda to eat it. Though the man settled on doing just that, sitting across the table from Allen with a scowl on his face, chewing. The bastard. He was soon going to fuck up Allen's good mood like that. And he was so  _positive_ it was going to be a great day. He has just finalized his book commission yesterday. Everything was nice and checked and ready to be published, his income for the work secured. But no, Kanda just  _had_  to be a dick.

Aside from that, he wasn't speaking up just to get rid of the weird atmosphere. There _was_  a topic he wanted to bring up. He was curious about it from the very beginning, but only recently he started seeing a chance of actually receiving a reply. Hell. Might as well try now.

" _So_ , Kanda," he begun again. "Are we ever going to talk about the fact you illegally keep a weapon in my apartment?" The man finally looked at him, though with obvious distaste.

"No."

"I can report it, you know." Not that Allen really planned to. But yes, he  _could_. It was a fact.

" _Fuck you_. No one said it's illegal. I could be a registered collector."

"But you're not." Well, obviously. He didn't really see Kanda doing all the paperwork needed. And, well, it probably entailed a considerable amount of funds as well, somehow. That's at least what Allen thought. And if Kanda really wasn't working― yeah. Though he guessed it's not like buying the sword itself, even illegally, was a cheap thing.

Kanda clicked his tongue. "I'm not talking about that. It doesn't really bother you anyway." It was true, but he didn't like the way that the man sounded so confident about it.

"How can you be so sure?" Before Allen even got to finish the question, Kanda's eyes travelled to his black hand. Well, fuck. "Kanda, tattoos are  _not_ illegal," he said, but his voice was shaking slightly. The point got across alright. It was the same thing, wasn't it?

Just like Allen's arm had been almost physically hurting him before he got the tattoo, Kanda without his sword might have felt something similar.

He remembered that all too well, even if it's been years since then. Waking up from a nightmare, barely able to breathe from the weird sensations his own arm was giving him. The irrational fear of someone touching it, as if he didn't know what it was going to do in reaction. The creeps he gave _himself_  whenever he unconsciously used the hand to do mundane things like even scratch his own back. He remembered how he thought being ambidextrous was truly a blessing, just because he could neglect his left hand like that - at least most of the time. Honestly, the arm just didn't feel like it was his.

It got much better since he got the tattoo done. It has cost him a ridiculous amount of money, but was worth every pound he methodically saved from his pocket money and a few extra kind-of-jobs like helping his elder neighbours with their garden. He was about fifteen at the time and his mother cried for days once he got home after the first session, wailing that he must have entered the rebellious age. He got grounded, obviously, if not only for fabricating his parents' consent he showed at the studio. Once the punishment was over, he just continued going there until his arm looked like it should.

He once hated it back then, long ago, when he was an exorcist in training. Eventually it changed though and― well, it just wasn’t very simple, was it? He tried to blink his rush of thoughts away, but Kanda spoke up before he actually managed.

"By the way, you paint your nails on that hand, don't you?" Allen couldn’t say if it was a good-willed distraction or was the man just mean as per usual.

"Wha―" Well, he was obviously right though. He had to paint them, since it would look incredibly stupid with just his nails standing out. And maybe he wasn't very proud of that fact, but― hey, he was choosing only the matte polishes and it wasn't looking  _that_ bad, okay?

"That's so gay, dipshit."

It was hardly an insult to him, but that didn't mean he wanted to hear _Kanda_  saying that.

"So― what? You mean just like your hair, right?"

It was the first time they actually exchanged punches since the man moved in. Uh, well. Allen thought they should probably be proud of making it this far anyway.

 


	9. April 26th, Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand another fixed chapter. Also, my friend drew a fanart for this fic once and since I re-wrote it, she also re-drew the art <3\. You can appreciate it here https://vaniillacream.tumblr.com/post/171256404715/redraw-of-this-inspired-by-heroes-unwanted-reward

**April 26th, Sunday**

Allen woke up and was very displeased, though unsurprised, to find his jaw hurting. It was obviously to be expected, he provoked Kanda to hit him deliberately enough. He should probably regret it, too, but the little voice inside of his head insisted it was still worth it. For old time’s sake? Maybe.

Well, worth it or not, he hoped he didn't have much of a bruise. And if he did, then that it wouldn't be too visible by Tuesday. He still had some classes after all. And Kanda didn't. So he couldn't care less about the man's cheek. Either way, that thing yesterday only started as a minor scrimmage. Allen wasn't really sure how it came to punches. He yawned widely, stretching. It didn't matter all that much, he decided.

Pushing the covers off of himself, he placed his feet on the floor sleepily. It was so hard to wake up properly, somehow. But, yeah, he went to bed late and still woke up around the usual hour - so that was probably it. He left his room somewhat groggily.

Kanda was already awake, judging by his laptop and glasses put down on the couch. He was probably in the bathroom though, because Allen couldn't spot him anywhere. Not thinking much, he went ahead and made himself some tea, yawning again once or twice. Damn. Maybe he should have made a coffee instead. His flatmate eventually greeted him with a click of his tongue, sparing him only a glance as he reappeared in the living room.

"Good morning to you, too, Kanda," he grumbled.

"Dress yourself" was a snappish reply and Allen instantly discovered that, yes, he was actually only in his boxers and a T-shirt. He usually at least put on some sweatpants.  _Well_.

"No. It's my bloody home. I can walk around naked if I want to."

"But you're not the only one here."

"Am I distracting you, Kanda?" he asked seriously as he turned to face the man properly, purposefully ignoring that he broke the ‘no Kanda and sex in one sentence’ rule in his mind. The man only made a face. "Thought so. Then shut up, will you? I'm not complaining that you always come out of the shower in a towel." That was true, though he couldn't deny he tried extra hard to make a disgusted face every time he was there to witness it.

Kanda didn't answer that with much more than a roll of his eyes and Allen just pulled out a chair for himself, sitting by the table, steam invitingly rolling off of his favourite mug. Which was pretty unusual, he thought absentmindedly. Because his flatmate seemed to like it, too, and often stole it. Allen never let him know though. He didn't want Kanda teasing him just because he actually had a favourite mug. And he was pretty sure that was what would happen, so. Kanda would probably think it was stupid.

"Wasting time again today?" he asked as he sipped his tea, dully observing the slight discoloration on Kanda's cheek. They haven't talked at all after the fight yesterday, but Allen usually wasn't one to hold a grudge for long. The mood could use some lightening anyway - and mildly snide comments always did the trick. It took Kanda so long to answer that he half-expected not getting any reply. He was mistaken though.

"No," the man said finally.

"Oh, what are you doing, then?"

"Why do you care." Figures, of course Kanda would say that.

"Just curious." Allen shrugged, honest.

Kanda was watching him warily, as if he was wondering if the conversation was some kind of trap, but gave in after a moment. "I'm looking for a job since Thursday," he worded somehow reluctantly, breaking the eye contact in an oddly fetching way.

And— now that Allen thought about it, Thursday was a pretty bad day for him. It was still before his book commission had been completed and he remembered that there was an alarming number of things he had to fix after the final check. He was given barely a day to deal with it, too. He was so on edge that he was eating almost constantly, be it even dry cereal. That's why he moved with his laptop to the kitchen at one point. Kanda tried to talk to him, he remembered. Probably to throw in some snarky comments and add up to Allen's irritation, but was completely ignored.

He wondered if that had anything to do with Kanda's sudden—  _enthusiasm_ , so to say. It could just as well be something entirely different though. The other man could have even called Lenalee and maybe she finally persuaded him to do something. Allen hasn't alarmed her about Kanda's stagnancy though, even if he kind of promised himself he would. Suffices to say, that didn’t mean she couldn't have figured it out on her own.

"Good luck, then. Or do you have something on your mind already?" he spoke up after a minute of thoughtful silence and Kanda gave him a curious glance. He was clearly expecting teasing, not sincere encouragement.

"Not yet." The man scowled a bit. Well, it was no secret that he was never very patient.

As Allen re-emerged from his room after a while, this time fully dressed, he found Kanda in the exact same position. He smiled to himself as he just observed him browse for a longer moment. He was focused, visibly putting in a lot of effort not to get too annoyed at whatever offers he was reading. The grey eyes lingered on his face. Was it too terrible that he was getting used to having the man around? ‘Yes,’ he immediately answered himself. The end of April was approaching in big steps. Allen completely didn’t feel the passage of time during the whole second half of the month and now their time together was almost over. Both men have seemingly accepted the state of things and just—  lived, simply. It was amazing how adaptive people could be. But Allen knew that in reality he got a bit carried away, to the point where actually thinking about the other leaving was making him feel uncomfortable. It was not exactly that he wanted Kanda to stay, but— well, or did he? He knew that he wasn’t going to stop him either way, he could do whatever he wanted.

The whole thought process left Allen a bit confused and he was really glad that the blue eyes were insistently focused on the laptop screen. His gaze finally left the man’s face and he drew in a deep breath.

“Smoke?” he tossed distractedly, already pulling out the pack out of his pocket. Kanda finally looked at him and just got up in silence. They found themselves on the balcony again, as they often did by now, sometimes a few times a day. It did turn into a habit after all, just as Allen guessed a while ago. They usually didn’t speak, but the silence was very companionable.

It was really comfortable, living with Kanda like this. He didn’t have to pretend at all, could just be himself and all that. Even more so with Kanda than with Lenalee. With her, he always felt like he had to be polite, at least to some extent. He just liked her having a good opinion of him and with Kanda, that was never an issue. He could even insult the man _just so_ , if he felt like it or just needed the distraction - it never influenced the weird relation they had going on. It would really be a shame if Kanda moved out so soon, wouldn't it?

Later, as Allen's stomach let him know it was about time for dinner, something admittedly unexpected happened. Frankly, it just proved how unusual their arrangement really was. Allen noticed that Kanda, currently holed up in his room for one reason or another, abandoned a pot on the stove and was about to get annoyed. Because, honestly, the man was properly using the dishwasher recently and Allen didn’t want to start bothering him about it again. All his annoyance disappeared though, when he realized that there was still food inside. But hasn’t Kanda just eaten? He was pretty sure he seen him eat. So— what? Was it actually for Allen, then? Did the man really, _actually_ make dinner for him? He wasn’t sure, but—

Well, he obviously had two options. He either asked Kanda about it and risked looking like and idiot or he just ate it and risked the man being mad at him for stealing his food.

That shouldn’t even be a question.

He eagerly scooped up what was left in the pot into a bowl. It was pasta. It looked— really good, actually. Allen ate pretty much anything that could qualify as edible, but that definitely didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate a tasty meal. Far from it, and anyone that ever met him knew it perfectly well. As he ate in solitude, he couldn’t help but feel really impressed. He knew, of course, that Kanda was always very particular about his meals. He also, admittedly, _did_ think that everything he seen the man eat at the apartment during this month looked pretty nice. Still though— who would have guessed Kanda cooked so well?

 


	10. April 30th, Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap also technically existed before, but was actually not only fixed, but completely re-written :) 2 more to go and we'll get to the new ones (also, I've been posting these fixes every two days, but as soon as I get to the new chaps, I think I'll post once a week).

**April 30th, Thursday**

So— that was it. Or so Allen thought as soon as he realized that it was the last day of April. The thought has left him a tiny bit bitter, entirely without his permission, so he grimaced at Kanda the first chance he got. It was as they were having breakfast.

Honestly, having a meal together was slowly starting to feel quite comfortable. It wasn’t like it happened always, but definitely often enough. Like on Tuesday, after Allen’s classes, they had diner that Kanda cooked again, this time with both of them present in the kitchen at once. Thinking about it only made Allen feel worse though. Kanda was just— a surprisingly cool flatmate. To the extent that Allen was almost ready to admit he didn’t want to see him go.

Except that it was obviously too late for such revelations. By the end of today, or possibly tomorrow, the man was going to be gone. They didn’t even exchange any contact information, too. Though Allen supposed that if they really needed to get in touch later, for whatever strange reason, they could always either ask Lenalee or even entirely use her as a middle-woman.

So, as Allen ate, he was trying to get used to the thought of looking for a new flatmate. It was an annoying task, but nothing he couldn’t deal with. His musings about Facebook posts and whatnot were interrupted by the realization that the man in front of him was acting a bit weird. Like he was hiding something, their eyes never meeting.

To be fair, it wasn’t like they normally stared at each other all the time. Still though, something was definitely off. Allen was about to find out what way sooner than he could have guessed though. Because, after breakfast, Kanda definitely didn’t look like he was about to start packing. Admittedly, that still wasn’t enough to assume anything, but it already gave Allen a very vague idea of what could be happening.

“Did you do your laundry this week?” Allen asked, head popping out of the bathroom to stare at Kanda sitting on the couch with his laptop.

“Not yet.” The man made a face, throwing him just a short glance.

Allen furrowed his eyebrows. Didn’t Kanda want to have his stuff clean and dry before packing it? It was going to get too late to manage soon. Not that he was about to judge. He didn’t like doing laundry, either. He always felt like it took him longer than it really should, but was nonetheless necessary.

“I’m gonna do mine now, then.” Kanda just shrugged.

When Allen was finished with sorting his clothes and setting up the machine, he had a few things to talk about with a guy from the publishing company he had a contract with. There was a new assignment for him, this time some French history book to be translated into English. Which was nice, it was just easier than the other way around. History books could get pretty frustrating though.

As he was having the conversation, he took to pacing around the kitchen-living room area. It was just a habit of his, for some reason he couldn’t sit still while talking over the phone. At one point he felt Kanda’s eyes on him. He returned the stare, noticing again that the man didn’t look like he was gathering his things. He was just making a tea.

“Isn’t translating annoying?” Kanda asked him as soon as he hung up, tone as flat as he could manage.

Allen raised an eyebrow at him with some amusement. He couldn’t decide if the man was curious about the job itself or about _him_ , but it felt kind of nice either way.

“You could say that. It requires some patience,” he said. “What was really annoying though was getting the job.” Kanda’s eyes on him told him to continue. “Well… you know,” he fumbled a bit, breaking eye contact and starting to prepare a tea for himself as well, mostly just to busy his hands with something. “I couldn’t exactly just tell someone ‘hi, I have four languages mastered, wanna hire me?’ I needed to get certified in each of them and it was a pain in the arse. Then I tried to start working with it a bit _too early_ and got some strange looks. I guess it’s not normal for someone who’s just an average student with no special background, so— The publishing company I work for right now was really interested in me, but on the beginning they were making a huge fuss about checking if my papers are not fake. Now they’re used to me though,” he shrugged, trying to ignore the warm feeling in his chest at being able to speak so freely to someone. “It’s really funny— I mean, it’s all thanks to Cross dragging me all around the globe. Who would have thought he could actually secure me income instead of just piling up more debts,” he laughed shortly, absently staring at the brew in his mug.

Then he remembered who exactly he was talking to. Well, fuck, Kanda surely didn’t give a shit about the story of his life, did he? This wasn’t even what his question was about. He tentatively lifted his head, pleasantly surprised that the man was still obviously listening.

“A-anyway, it’s bloody time-consuming, that’s for sure,” Allen looked to the side. He knew that in the past he was never very keen on talking about himself. But people change, he supposed. Kanda himself did, too. Maybe it wasn’t glaringly visible in both of them, they were still the same at the core, but a life-time of new environment was bound to influence something. So Allen was just this small bit more open whenever someone would actually listen and he trusted them. Kanda, on the other hand, was… how to put it? _Calmer_ , maybe. He still snapped at Allen often enough, though.

“Do you think he’s alive?” Kanda asked after a moment, surprising the other once again. Was this an actual conversation, then? Allen was impressed. His previous bad mood forgotten for now, he smirked at his flatmate.

“Cross? If he is, I bet he’s a hobo,” he snorted and Kanda sort-of mirrored it, which left them both just staring at each other in silence.

Nope, nope, nope. Allen definitely didn’t just think that Kanda was very attractive.

After that, they split a bit awkwardly, going around their own business. But as Allen was hanging his laundry later, he still couldn’t shake off this very strange feeling. It was as if something was hanging in the air. Him and Kanda— what the fuck were they, even. They knew each other so well, or at least used to. But… well, both being Exorcists gave them an entirely different dynamic than what they had now. Back then, there was always something to discuss, the task at hand, strategies and whatnot. Now though, aside from casual flatmate-related exchanges, they could basically only share information about each other. It was very unsettling, in a way. Did this make them some kind of friends now? Better yet, were they friends before? The more Allen thought about it, the more confusing it seemed. Because after sending Alma and Kanda to Matel and Kanda inexplicably surviving through it only to straight-up attack Allen on the street months later, the man followed him. He was admittedly one of his very few allies for a good while since then. That surely must have counted for something. And even before that, when they were trying to mock, threaten and beat the shit out of one another all the time, they were definitely companions, working towards the same goal. Allen knew they have always cared for and respected each other in their own way.

It was only around evening that Allen reminded himself that he was an idiot. What did all of this even matter? Kanda was moving out. Except that— he was still not packing. Allen was very tempted to ask him why, but was constantly stopping himself. He didn’t want to give the man the wrong idea that he wanted him to stay, after all. Or, uh, the _right_ idea. Whatever the case, at some point Allen was straight-up staring at him every time he got the chance. Kanda refused to meet his gaze though, looking like he was browsing through job offers again.

Being as absorbed in all this as he was, Allen realized that he got a message from his landlady with a few-hour delay. ‘Your flatmate paid for the next month, so I guess you're really getting along, somehow. I'm really glad!’ it read. Allen took an embarrassingly long moment to actually comprehend it.

“I got a message from the landlady,” he told Kanda later, as they were smoking on the balcony. The man grunted to make him continue and he hesitated just for a second. “You paid the rent.” When the silence on Kanda’s side continued, he was forced to add “you’re staying?”

The man still avoided his eyes, but now with an obvious displeased scowl. “I was busy with looking for a job, you moron. I didn’t find another place yet,” he said eventually, seeming uncomfortable about the fact.

That made sense, Allen decided. But—

“You— can stay. If you want,” he said before he could think better of it, immediately feeling foolish. When Kanda just nodded tensely, he didn’t even know how to react.

They both resolved to never talk about it again.

 


	11. May 4th, Monday

**May 4th, Monday**

They weren’t really talking much since the end of the previous month. Kanda’s special brand of embarrassment at sort-of willingly staying and Allen’s complete mortification at the fact that he proposed it to him were successfully preventing them both from interacting so far. It was slowly getting back to normal though.

It was in the afternoon that the silence finally broke. It was just that Kanda looked like— like he was preparing to go out or something. Allen found it too hard not to comment. It was pretty much the first time he saw that after all. And it's been a  _month_.

"It's not your turn for groceries, you know." He shot the man a careful look, raising his eyebrows. He was pretty sure Kanda wouldn't change into different clothes to go to the store though - he still looked casual, but just a bit nicer. So Allen’s comment was just to make him react. He couldn't exactly count on him just willingly sharing his plans after all. "And the fridge is still okay anyway," he added as an afterthought, for a better effect.

Kanda initially just clicked his tongue, turning his back on Allen as he put on his shoes. The better, less worn ones. Which was pretty suspicious in and of itself. And then he must have changed his mind about his silence as he finished, glancing at his flatmate out of the corner of his eye as he straightened up.

"I'm having a job interview, stupid."

Allen actually needed a few seconds to proceed that. Oh. Kanda was really  _trying to do_ _something_ , wasn't he? That was nice. He felt pretty foolish now though, his first thought was admittedly a date. But really, Kanda on a  _date_? What was he thinking, honestly. And the man  _was_  looking for a job, so it should be obvious. Allen was probably just a bit too distracted to connect the dots.

"Wow, good luck, Kanda." Allen's expression was just short of mocking, even if he tried to hold it in.

"Don't you wow me. Fuck off," Kanda bit back, throwing him a sharp glare, but then— "and thanks," he mumbled right before going out.

A little smile stretched on Allen’s face as he locked the door behind him.

So. He was alone, huh? It has certainly been a while. And that was good, too. Especially the timing was. He had a few things to think through. And nothing concerning Kanda, no. The man was doing significantly better lately and the interview thing just proved it. So it was high time Allen worried about himself for a change.

He was pretty— well,  _needy_ lately. It only hit him about yesterday that he hasn't really had sex for at least half a year. Which wasn't necessarily that terribly long, but still. Now that he was actually thinking about it, he realized he could probably use someone nice to go out with or so. And the thought wasn't all that out of the blue, not really. There just was this guy at the university and they knew each other for a while, even though they were never really all that close. And the guy, Steve was his name, started messaging him lately. About nothing in particular, but it was pretty easy to figure out what he was on about. And he seemed nice. Didn't look bad either.

There was this one thing holding Allen back though. It wasn't like he didn't try relationships before and, sadly, they always ended in pretty much the same fashion.

He simply— wasn't able to dedicate himself enough. And it really wasn't like he didn't try. Still, it was just too weird - being close and intimate with someone who called him ‘Alex’. Once he even tried explaining to one of his now ex-boyfriends that he didn't like his name and preferred to be called ‘Allen’. He said that it was his childhood nickname or something like that and he connected with it much more. It didn't really work out. All he gained were weirded out stares because that one time he might have overreacted a bit and actually started a shouting match about it.

Other time, in a different relationship, he very carelessly mentioned a word or two about the circus and then had to make up a story of himself running away from home to join it. It was ridiculous, in the XXIth century. But the biggest mistake was really slipping in Mana's name. He then had to explain who he was, more or less, and as soon as the word ‘father’ unconsciously came out of his mouth, it was pretty much over between him and the other guy. Or the start of it anyway. Because the guy knew his actual, biological father and things just became messed up out of the scale. It was never said openly, but it was pretty obvious his partner started suspecting him of a personality disorder right then and there. A few further fuck ups on Allen's part only encouraged it and he ended up pretty much running away. He wasn't proud of that, but it was just too much for him. Especially since the guy tried to be understanding and caring. It made it so,  _so_  much worse. And it wasn't the only time someone thought there was something wrong with his mentality. Far from it, actually. This relationship thing was just so hard. Something always had to go wrong.

But he didn't really want to be alone for the rest of his life. Like the last time. That is, he had friends then. But never someone closer, a partner. In this love kind of way, not just as a person who did missions with him. And he wanted that. He really did.

So maybe he could give this Steven guy a chance. I won't hurt to try— was what he would have liked to think, but it wasn't so necessarily true in his case.

Still— well, Steven was especially persistent today. He was saying something about a party this Saturday. Or maybe not as much of a party as a meet-up with a few people at the bar near their campus. Allen rarely attended things like that, but the guy tried to convince him that this time he really should come. And he was starting to think that maybe he could just agree, actually. Really, why not. Even if just to see Kanda's face at the mention he actually had some friends. Though each of them was more of an acquaintance than anything, but he didn't really need to know that.

It was already evening when Kanda came back. Which was weird, but Allen didn't say anything about it. It was his business. He was still curious though and maybe that's why he was staring and the man eventually snapped.

" _What._ "

"Well? How did it go?" Allen asked with an easy smile, encouraging. ’And where the fuck you actually applied? And what took you so long, dumbass? Also, you look like shit’ was all left unsaid.

"Just give me a cigarette," Kanda grumbled finally, leaving his shoes in a disarray.

The package was actually lying on the kitchen counter and Allen picked it up, shaking invitingly as he made his way to the balcony.

"Do you think you're gonna get the job?" he asked around his cigarette as he lit it, handing the lighter over to Kanda, both of them leaning on the railing.

"Yeah. Probably," he answered grumpily, blowing out the smoke in an irritated manner.

"What happened?" Allen actually laughed a little at his distress, furrowing his eyebrows, not understanding. Kanda didn't reply.

Okay, so, interviews could be tiring and stressful, but Kanda never struck him as the type to be bothered by things like that. Or, on the second thought—

"Did you sprain your face trying to smile?" he snorted and Kanda immediately glared at him.

"Just drop it, idiot."

And so Allen did, though reluctantly. Later, as Kanda changed his clothes and tried relaxing on the couch, reading something, he seemed somehow restless. Finally, he dropped the book on the floor with a loud thump.

"We should buy a TV," he grumbled, staring at the ceiling.

Allen crooked a smile as he stirred his coffee after adding some milk. He needed to work until late today if he wanted to make it on time with the first portion of his current assignment.

"Feeling at home much?"

"Shut up" was Kanda's only reply.

And so, for the remainder of the day, what kept Allen company were historical figures, dates and many, many pages of boring descriptions of events. Embarrassingly enough, his thoughts were straying to Kanda maybe a bit more often than to his college friend.

 


	12. May 7th, Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the re-written chapters, next one will be brand-new. I will be still updating often, but not /that/ often.

**May 7th, Thursday**

As Allen attended his classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, Steven was sort of just following him around. To his credit, he was clearly trying not to be annoying about his invitation for the weekend. He only precised that he did indeed see it as a date.  And maybe that’s why – even if he felt like he could be soon regretting it – Allen made a final decision and texted him this morning, saying he will come. It was almost the first thing he did upon waking up, just so he wouldn’t have time to change his mind. And, actually, it made him smile a bit at how the guy seemed sincerely happy about it. Then, arrangements made, his college friend went forgotten. Allen let him know beforehand that he was busy though. So it shouldn't come off as rude if he didn't reply to his texts. Or at least he hoped so.

Never minding that, Allen got to doing his assignment. And, thankfully, managed to do a great load of translating and checking even before noon. But he felt tired and, as time passed, finally gave in to his body's demands, taking a nap. He deserved a break anyway.

As refreshed as he felt once he woke up, it was pretty weird not to have Kanda's grumpy presence around. But, well, he guessed he should get used to it. His flatmate was working now after all, not to say _finally_. He left around ten o'clock, so it was surely not even near the time he would be coming back. And Allen wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.

So— what was it that he used to do to relax before Kanda moved in? Because lately he just played on the man’s nerves one way or another if he needed a stress reliever. Which he, obviously enough, couldn't do right now. Or, well, he could theoretically text him—

Ah, no. He still didn't have his number, of course. But anyway, Kanda was at  _work_. Which meant supposedly  _busy_ , so scratch that.

He grabbed a snack and sat on his bed with a laptop again, but couldn't really focus this time. After doing barely two pages, which took a ridiculous amount of time, he was sure of one thing – there wasn't any valid reason why he shouldn't have Kanda's number. So, he was going to take it from him. Be it even by force.

Then, Allen realized he actually skipped a part of his morning routine. He was stupidly grateful for that, too – now he had something to busy himself with. At least while he restored his concentration capability. That something was workout. Though he almost laughed at how simple it was compared to what he used to do back in his Exorcist days. Really, it was just some sit-ups and push-ups plus stretching. Normal push-ups this time. Though, admittedly, he _had_ tried to copy all of this crazy stuff more than once. The results were never something to brag about. Regardless, he strived to do some exercises every morning. Needles to say, however, ‘it’s good for the health’ wasn’t as good of a motivation as ‘people will die if you’re too weak’ once was. And so, him actually exercising or not depended on a great deal of things. There were weeks or even months when he ended up slacking off, just because he didn’t feel like moving. Recently he was very diligent about it. Seeing that Kanda had a very similar morning habit _might_ have influenced that – even if he was aware of it only because the other forgot to close the door to his bedroom once. After getting an eyeful, Allen was determined to start taking it more seriously, too. Especially since Kanda’s workout was obviously more effective – as it was proven every time the man left the bathroom after having a shower. Which was probably a part of why Kanda parading in just a towel bothered Allen that much. Yeah, okay, so it was like— five steps until he disappeared into his room. But still.

After exerting himself pretty thoroughly, Allen attempted to go back to work, but didn't manage to fall back into his rhythm yet again. Mainly because he got a feeling he smelled. And he  _did_ take a shower that morning, but he guessed there was no helping it after sweating so much.

Once he was under the warm stream of water, he realised that was actually what he needed all along. That and a good wank. That was what an empty apartment was good for, at least – he liked being vocal and like this he didn’t have to hold back.

Relaxed and refreshed, Allen decided he was actually pretty hungry. The few sandwiches he had before didn't do much for him. So, a fluffy white towel resting around his neck so that his hair wouldn’t wet the fresh shirt, he figured he could prepare a proper meal. While he was at it, he made it a portion for two. Kanda should be coming back soon anyway. Probably. That realization made him sigh. How much time did he actually waste, honestly. It was, what, past six already?

Once the food was ready, he sat with it at the table. It was hot as hell, but he started eating right away. Something about himself waiting with dinner until Kanda gets back from work bothered him awfully much. Finishing his share ahead was the least thing he could do.

And, as if on cue, Kanda actually— well, um,  _barged in_  more than came back, precisely when Allen was putting his plate into the washer.

"Oh, hi, I missed your bitch face so much. You can't even imagine," he greeted the man cheerfully, painfully aware he was sort of speaking the truth.

To his ultimate distaste, Kanda barely reacted at all. "Gimme a cigarette," he grit through his teeth.

And so Allen did, ignoring the fact that being outside with his hair still damp felt a bit wrong.

"You know, I understand you're probably around twelve. But you could fool a kiosk lady, I bet. Buy your own pack if you need it." Allen’s comment was ignored once more. He made a face and shivered a little. It was a pretty damn cold evening. He covered his head with the towel in an attempt to make it more bearable. Then he kicked Kanda’s shin.  

"What the fuck,  _dumbshit_ ," Kanda growled around his cigarette, instantly making him feel better. Or at least that was before he was kicked right back. But ah, it sure felt good to have your efforts appreciated.

"You reek coffee. And toasts," Allen observed in response.

It wasn't that hard to guess what Kanda's job was at this point. How dull, a barista position didn’t suit him at all. Not to mention it was no secret that the man sucked at social interactions. And so, pretty predictably, it looked like the job was pissing him off.

Kanda made a disgusted face at the smell comment. "Would be hard not to," he spat.

"I see you love your job." Allen’s tone was mockingly serious and the other clicked his tongue. “So? When are you getting a rise? Are we buying the TV soon?"

" _Yes, we are_."

Ah, Kanda was serious about it then. Allen always thought that watching online was more than enough, but he wasn’t really against it. He could afford it, too. As long as it wasn’t one of those fancy new models he sometimes saw at stores, that is. Maybe they could actually watch something together, too. That sounded nice. A bit weird, but nice.

Allen observed Kanda for a while, pondering. He decided that he was disappointed with the man’s job choice. He had plenty of his own unique good qualities and it would be a shame not to put them to use.

“Hey, Kanda— any job is good for a start, but—,” Allen started, not sure if any advice from him would be welcome, but wanting to give it anyway. “Ever thought of making a use of your martial arts knowledge? Especially Kendo. I never researched it myself, but I’m sure there are some official certificates you could get…” he trailed off when Kanda gave him a stare. “I hate that papers are so important, too. You can’t help it though,” Allen grumbled, feeling a bit embarrassed. Yes, he cared. Of course he did. It was a shame to have the former swordsman waste his potential.

“I’ll think about it,” Kanda finally answered, his eyes lingering on the other’s face for a moment. And he didn’t exactly smile, but something about his expression still made Allen slightly happy. So he helped then, maybe?

After coming back inside the apartment, Allen finally felt ready to get back to work. Then Kanda’s voice reached him from the kitchen, just as he was about to disappear into his bedroom.

"Is that gloop edible?"

So Kanda thought he could be an ass just because he cooked better, then?

"Yes. Choke on it, please.”

Despite everything, Allen got back to translating with a smile on his face. He tried, but couldn’t will it away.


	13. May 8th, Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, screw it! I'm doing a double-update. So this is the new-new chapter. I'm really curious to hear opinions, so please let me know your thoughts on this story so far.

**May 8th, Friday**

It was one of those rare days when Allen really _needed_ coffee. He stayed up way too late last night, working, and he was forced to do something to be able to function. He could also, of course, just sleep until noon or something, but that would just make him fall short with time for his commission. He really _did_ waste too much time yesterday. And so, today he was determined to do better.

It was going fairly nice. But then, sometime in the afternoon, Allen found himself bombarded with text messages. He sighed as he realized that all of them were from Steven. Well, he already ignored him yesterday, didn’t he? And he supposed that was not how one should treat their date.

‘Hey, Alex! So, I was thinking, would you maybe want to go eat something before we meet at the bar tomorrow?’

‘I mean, you know, it’s not that good to drink on an empty stomach, no?’

‘Haha, what am I saying? I don’t need an excuse. It’s a date, after all B)’.

‘I just thought I want to spend more time with you.’

Steven was, Allen decided, the most hilarious mix of shy and confident. He also typed way too fast. Obviously fast enough that his brain was not catching up with his fingers. I mean – that could have been one message, right? It was a tiny bit endearing though. Then, Allen stared at ‘B)’ for a moment. B-bracket? Oh, of course, it was that silly glasses emoji. He was, admittedly, a bit slow with them sometimes. He still kind of liked using them, but some symbols just seemed too abstract. Now that he thought about it, ‘emoji’ was a Japanese term, wasn’t it? Which made sense, since the ones used in Japan actually seemed most logical to him – at least they properly looked like faces. He wondered if Kanda ever used them. Oh God, that would be so hilarious and the man _was_ Japanese, so…

This actually reminded Allen that he didn’t take Kanda’s number from him yesterday. It was all the man’s fault, honestly - he came back home so distressed that it was distracting. And later, when Allen was already back on translating, Kanda looked very busy browsing. That was whenever Allen popped out of his room to grab a snack at least. He wondered if the browsing had something to do with his earlier advice to Kanda. Hopefully yes, the man surely wasn’t looking for a new apartment again since that one time when—

Shit. Allen should probably answer Steve to his messages, shouldn’t he? What was it about again? Ah, yes.

‘Sure, why not : )’ was all he texted back.

Allen saw no harm in going to eat first. Honestly, it was not like he wanted to get too drunk anyway. He had this nasty impression that whenever he did, ho got maybe a bit _too_ horny. Plus there was also the way he sometimes he acted disturbingly like Cross – meaning like a serial ladykiller. Well, with guys though. Hell would freeze over before he was okay with that kind of thing.

He received another text. It read ‘I could always cook for you at your place, by the way. We don’t really need to go anywhere ; )’.

For a second, Allen had this horrifying image of them eating and laughing at his kitchen table, while Kanda just sat on the couch, obviously hearing everything. No fucking way.

‘Well, my flatmate is always home on the weekends, so I don’t think It’s a good idea.’

Reply from Steven was almost instantaneous. ‘Flatmate? Didn’t you live alone?’

Uh. Allen must have mentioned something about it in the past. And then, well, he wasn’t exactly updating the guy on everything in his life, so—

‘Yes, right, I used to. This now is recent. I was just’ Allen’s fingers stilled for a moment. He was what? His mind unhelpfully supplied him with ‘lonely’, but he discarded the thought quickly. What he settled on was ‘needing extra money’.

‘I see, I see. Too bad you got someone that stays in on the weekends, huh. Must be a real party animal lol’ was the reply.

Allen laughed shortly. An animal, indeed. That kind that you better appreciate from afar, otherwise he could easily bite your head off. Like maybe a panther or something. Actually, yeah. That was pretty close, wasn’t it? There was definitely something cat-like in his movements, and his body was—

Well, fuck, nevermind. Uh.

‘He can be a bit grumpy’ Allen sent after a moment, smiling to himself.

‘Wow, that’s a real shame. Sorry to hear that D:’ the next message read.

Sorry? Allen frowned. In his opinion, there was nothing to be sorry for.

‘No, no. He’s okay. We get along.’ Well,  _sort of_. Maybe more like they used to and it was complicated, but there was no need to be so precise.

‘Haha, okay then :) I suppose you can get along with anyone.’

The conversation kind of just died there, because Allen wasn’t sure what to answer. ‘Thanks’ would be very lame, plus he wasn’t even entirely sure that the comment was accurate. Could he really get along with anyone? Well, maybe. But Kanda was just— well, Kanda. They have always been like this. Not that he could explain it so easy. Allen wasn’t even entirely sure himself what he meant by that, so he settled on distracting himself by getting back to translating. It actually worked, too. Not counting snack and bathroom brakes, he only got called back to reality when he heard his entrance door sort of bust open. He immediately left his room.

“Hi,” he greeted Kanda with a mocking smile, seeing as the man seemed even more annoyed than yesterday.

“Fuck off,” he spat at him and, to Allen’s surprise, pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

“You managed to buy some! Were you stressed? Did they ask you for ID?”

Allen got no reply. He got a cigarette though, which was awfully nice.

“Look, give me your number.” He said as soon as he lit up on the balcony, wanting to be quick this time, no to forget or miss the chance.

“No way,” Kanda snapped. As expected.

Precisely because Allen knew it would be like that, he reacted so quickly that the other man had no time to retaliate. Cigarette dangling from his lips, he started patting Kanda’s pockets for about three seconds and, in record time, managed to fish out his phone. The Asian barely scoffed at him though and soon Allen knew why. There was no pin or anything but— the whole damn interface was in Japanese. It was his lucky day though, in a way. Because it turned out they used the same brand.

“Kanda, you underestimate me,” he mumbled with difficulty, his mouth occupied as it was. The other man obviously still understood him, because he frowned in response.

Allen started backing away a bit, for safety, and he took his own phone in the other hand. Trying to be as fast as he could, he started comparing the menus. It was taking its time, but he knew he could get there. Or at least that’s what he thought before Kanda just sort of thrown himself at him, annoyed.

“Asshole!” Allen’s cigarette fell out of his mouth as he called out, but he didn’t care, just turning around. Strong arms reached around him, trying to blindly wrestle the phone out. Allen didn’t plan to give in, he was almost there. He squirmed and raised his leg, all the while focusing his eyes only on the screens. He managed to push his assaulter away just a bit, foot firmly planted on his stomach and pressuring insistently. He was navigating the interfaces from distance by now, arms stretched out just to make it more difficult for Kanda.

He got to the number!

In only a few seconds, Kanda had him on the cold floor. Allen winced a bit from the pain of falling onto his side. The phones were safe though and he was just— almost—

“Fucking bean sprout!” With a feral growl, the man got his phone back. But it was too late, Allen already dialing the number.

Instead of fanfares, there was only buzzing of a call, very clear in the sudden silence.

Allen was laughing and would be surely almost rolling on the ground if the other’s body wasn’t crushing him. With last clear thought, he locked his own phone with one button press. It was right on time, too, because soon it was in Kanda’s hand. Allen _did_ have a pin though.

“Brat,” a hiss sounded somewhere next to his ear, but he felt far from threatened. The sudden rush of adrenaline had him light-headed. Only now he was slowly calming down.

“You’re such a sore loser, Ka—” Allen wanted to further affirm his victory, but quickly realized that he made a terrible mistake. He definitely shouldn’t have turned his head to face the other as he said that. Their faces were way too close now and Allen could only stare tensely, both of them unblinking.

The stunned moment passed maybe faster than it really should have, Allen’s thoughts racing. He was suddenly painfully aware of a few particular memories he’s been trying so hard to repress ever since Kanda moved in.

“You’re such a smartass,” Kanda mumbled, making Allen’s insides just crumple into an unorganized mess with every word, tickling his still open lips with hot breath.

Allen mentally slapped himself before the situation could really get to him. He might have had a few very uncomfortable conversations with Kanda in the past, but it definitely wasn’t something he should be thinking about. Those were darker times than now and Allen wasn’t dwelling on it for far too many years to afford doing it now. But the mental slap thankfully worked.

“I still have your number though.” Allen squinted daringly, heart in his throat as he spoke and eventually Kanda just rolled his eyes, backing away and standing up.

“Whatever you plan to do with it, I’m not gonna answer.” He crossed his arms, as if to accentuate his words and Allen didn’t believe him even for a second. If Kanda could ignore him so easily, they would never argue in the first place.

“Sure you won’t.” Allen smirked a bit, easily accepting the other’s hand that was now offering to help him up. Standing, he scanned the floor for his cigarette, but could not locate it. Well, maybe it fell down the balcony in all this chaos.

Only later, already in bed, Allen couldn’t help congratulating himself for remaining as calm as he did. He wouldn’t admit it even to himself, but honestly – this was a way closer call than it really seemed.


	14. May 9th, Saturday - I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So this is the next chapter and maybe you noticed the "I" in the title, Saturday is gonna be a long day, so prepare yourselves B) I really hope you guys are liking the story <3 Today, I finished planning pretty much almost everything I want to do in this fic. It's gonna be quite lengthy, so get your patient mode on lol.

**May 9th, Saturday - I**

All the stupid rules, refusing perfectly good opportunities to ogle and hard emotional denial aside, Allen fully, consciously knew that he was attracted to Kanda. Of course he did. He just always chose not to think about it. Or at the very least, when he did, he liked to pretend it was only physical. Then it wouldn’t matter, simply. Allen was an adult after all – pretty much _twice over_. He would be damned if he couldn’t be responsible and resist some stupid urges. That’s why he told himself stubbornly that ‘Kanda was still Kanda, no matter how attractive he was,’ pretending that looks were the main problem. He simply refused to directly address what they have been through together.

Many things from the past still hurt if he thought about them too much. He used to have panic attacks before he met Lenalee in that airplane all way back when. They would make him barely be able to breathe and then, later, be very sick and exhausted. After meeting with his old friend a few times though, things have improved and it really was not worth it to go back to those worse times. He has been doing so great, ignoring some of the past hurts. Because thanks to meeting Lenalee he has managed to put some kind of a closure on them. Though admittedly— not on everything. There were things that she just wasn’t aware of since she hasn’t witnessed them in the past or at least didn’t remember and Allen preferred to really keep it that way. He couldn’t ruin her happiness and peace, now that she finally had them. She managed to take in only what’s best from the past and Allen wanted to be able to do the same.

That’s why, that small event on the balcony was nothing – it was honestly not even near the first time something like this happened between them and Allen was pretty good at getting over it. And it was _only physical after all_ , so if he was forced to keep mulling it over ever since he woke up that was just because he was obviously sexually frustrated right now. But hey, he was meeting Steven today, right? Well, not that he liked the idea of sleeping with someone on the first date, at least if he wanted to be serious, but it just gave perspectives for the near future. Maybe. For his own sake, Allen hoped that it was going to be fun. Steven was definitely an okay person – he was pretty smart, handsome, cheerful, sometimes silly and most of his jokes were funny. That was enough to at least give the guy a chance. And he had short hair. Like most men around, of course, but it was still important. For very complicated reasons.

“Hey, idiot.” Kanda was just getting to the kitchen, freshly dressed after his morning shower and drying his hair with a fluffy towel.

Allen swallowed, throat parched, and turned away from the sight. He focused on making his tea again. The water boiled once already, but he had to set it again. He took way too long to get a mug after the first time, somehow.

“Yeah?” he asked, letting the insult pass maybe a bit too easy, as he prepared his drink.

“What do we do about groceries?”

The fridge was almost empty and they kind of talked about shopping recently. Taking turns has become a pain, because of Allen’s busy start of a new commission and Kanda’s new job. So, they decided that they could maybe go shopping less often, but together – simply just to be able to carry more at once.

“Well, I can’t go today. I mean I could, but we would have to leave now. Tomorrow is okay though,” Allen answered truthfully after a quick consideration.

“You’re busy?”

Allen turned to Kanda briefly to see him frown and then just whined internally. Well, there was really no reason not to tell him, right?

“I have a date today.”

There was silence for a moment and Allen didn’t dare to check the other’s expression this time. It was probably a good thing, too, since after a few seconds Kanda just scoffed “I almost feel sorry for the guy.”

Allen was paralyzed, but he managed an incredulous “ _what_ ”.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” Kanda sounded confused and Allen finally turned to him fully, eyes wide and the tea forgotten on the kitchen counter.

“ _What the hell, arsehole_!”

“What’s your problem, stupid?” The other man was now getting annoyed and clearly still not catching on.

“What do you mean ‘guy’?” Allen was forced to word it out to him.

“You’re gay,” Kanda stated matter-of-factly.

“How the fuck would you know that? I never told you.” Or did he? Did he actually do something that stupid in the past and then forgot about it? To add to his shock, after a moment of plain staring, Kanda kind of just— laughed at him. Well, more like snorted, but the amusement was definitely there.

“So it was not meant to be obvious?”

He was not sure if Kanda was poking fun at him or was he serious. Admittedly, by now there was a blush on Allen’s face, result of a strange mix of anger and embarrassment. What the— what was that even supposed to mean? Was he really so transparent about it?

“Kanda, I _swear_ , if you assumed I’m gay just because I paint my nails on one fucking hand, I’m gonna fucking—”

The jerk didn’t even let him finish. He just rolled his eyes and walked away to his room, leaving Allen gaping.

 _What._ Just— what was that meant to be? Did Kanda notice that he was attracted to him, or was it something else? I couldn’t have honestly been the nails. Of course there was Kanda’s comment from the other day, from when they had a fist fight, but _come on_. It was just because of his tattoo! And even if it wasn’t, that was seriously not a proof of anything. Kanda must have understood that, he couldn’t imagine him making such a stupid assumption. So what was it, then?

Still distracted and confused, Allen didn’t quite process when he received a message from Steven. It read simply ‘I’ll see you at 3, okay?’, so he texted back an ‘ok’ and just left it be.

But what an awful mistake it was.

As three o’clock was slowly approaching, Allen realized with horror that Steven didn’t specify any location. And, a few messages back, Allen thoughtlessly gave him his address. So that surely meant he was going to come pick him up, right? Fuck. He glanced at the hour on his phone, but it was definitely too late to revert this. Steven should be coming in twenty minutes.

Alen didn’t have to do much to get ready. It was just a matter of changing his clothes. Sweatpants were not much of a date attire after all. He settled on some jeans and long-sleeved T-shirt though, seeing as they were just going to a bar. He wondered a bit about the weather, but what he already had plus coat should be more than enough for early May. Ready and still having a few minutes, Allen wondered if he should tell Kanda not to be an ass ahead of time, but he decided against it. The man honestly shouldn’t care and Allen was not going to risk having his warning sound like a dare.

Steven came right on the hour and Allen answered the door, really wanting to have the greeting part done fast, so that they could leave while Kanda was busy in the kitchen.

“Hi,” he said with a smile and then tensed a bit as Steven eyed him appreciatively. Fuck, this felt so wrong, Kanda was _right there_ after all. Allen had a very bad feeling about all this.

“Hi,” his date answered with a lazy smile eventually and, to Allen’s horror, he moved closer, clearly intending to come inside. He didn’t really know how to stop this disaster. “It’s fine if I say hello, right? Feels wrong to just kidnap you.”

“Sure,” Allen laughed, his stomach twisting. It was absolutely _not fine_. When he followed Steve to the living room where Kanda turned out to be, he was already glaring.

“Hey there, I thought I’d say hi before taking Alex away. How do you do?” Steve greeted cheerfully.

Kanda still only glared, but the other didn’t seem deterred just yet. He stretched out a hand in a friendly gesture. Kanda eyed the hand, then the whole figure. Allen was instantly reminded of the time he and Kanda first met and that couldn’t have been a good sign.

His flatmate squinted slightly, raising his chin and if there was any hope, it died when he spoke up. “I don’t shake hands with random idiots.”

“Hey, hey. I was trying to be nice,” was the incredulous answer and Allen couldn’t just simply watch. He got closer, latching his arm with Steven’s, tugging, and shot Kanda a warning stare.

The blue eyes just rolled in response. “You can take your nice somewhere else”.

“Wow, Alex, this is not _grumpy_. It’s plain arsehole,” Allen’s date commented, turning to face him.

He bristled. “Yeah. Plain fucking arsehole. Steve, can we go now? Leave him be.” He tugged again, maybe with more force than necessary and didn’t stop until they crossed the entrance door. “I’m terribly sorry for this,” Allen said when he felt that they were out of the war zone. Letting go of the other’s arm, he sent an apologetic look. Fuck, if only he paid attention to that text earlier.

“It’s no problem, I guess… I mean, how can you live with him?” Steven sounded half-confused and half-impressed. “Also, this was like the first time I heard you curse.”

Allen frowned, but answered quickly. “Uh, he tends to trigger it.” Then he cast his eyes downwards and spoke again, patting his pockets. “ _Of course_ ,” he gasped in exasperation. “I left my phone charging. Can you go ahead? I’ll catch you in a sec.” Hoping it didn’t sound too forced, he rushed back into the apartment.

The charging phone was a lie, of course.

“What the hell, arsehole!” Allen shouted for the second time on the same day, which must have been some kind of an achievement. Kanda, already sitting on the couch with his laptop, glasses on, barely spared him a glance.

“What this time,” he grumbled tiredly.

“Isn’t it obvious! I’m asking why did you have to be like that to him.” Allen could not believe this situation.

“Like what? I was just the asshole me, no?” Kanda gave him a blank stare. “Plus he was annoying.”

“Well, just like I am, right? According to you. So maybe don’t fucking ruin my date if we fit each other so nicely,” Allen spat, hands crossed on his chest. Kanda just glared at him and so he deliberated further. “You could have ignored him.”

“He was talking to me.”

“As if that ever stopped you before.” To that, Kanda only pressed his lips together, eyes going right back to his laptop screen. Allen was livid. “Yeah, see? Exactly like that. Hope you have an awful evening, Kanda.” With that last comment, he stormed out again, shutting the door maybe a bit too loud. He winced slightly at the sound.

“Alex?” was a tentative question that sounded somewhere behind him and Allen realized with horror that his date chose to wait right by the entrance.

“Sorry. I didn’t want you to hear that,” Allen admitted, unsure of what else to say. Steven seemed really concerned.

“Yeah, I can see why.” He squinted calculatively. “That sounded like you two are close, to be honest.”

“No way. He’s just— an old friend. Kind of. Except for the friend part,” Allen felt nervous, but didn’t let it show and actually managed to make it sound like a joke.

Steven just laughed shortly, his eyes warm, and they left for their date.


	15. May 9th, Saturday - II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly probably updating too fast. I hope someone is happy about it :x The next chapter will be a twin to this one - understand from that what you will <3 Oh, and yeah, we're starting with the angsty business. Mildly for now. It's also the beginning of me speculating the future DGM plot (with a bit of wishful thinking, SIGH). I also hope everyone is up to date with the manga (all the way to chap 227)!

**May 9th, Saturday - II**

Allen couldn't believe how smoothly the date was going. He guessed hiding things all his life - lives - had its benefits after all. He managed to pretend that the situation with Kanda didn’t bother him at all and since he and Steven got to a cozy restaurant, the atmosphere was seemingly pretty comfortable.

As his date flirted with him above his meal, he just let him with a smile, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. He told so many lies during their conversation as they ate that he could barely remember what they talked about. He filled his stomach with what was on his plate, not feeling the taste. And he just kept smiling.

It was only later at the bar that it finally hit him how much he didn’t want to be doing this at all. Steven was saying something to him, too close to his ear, steadily getting drunker. The music was blaring and Allen’s head swam not with alcohol, but with an overflow of thoughts.

What was he doing? He knew it made no sense. He tried to have partners before and he couldn’t just conveniently keep forgetting about how it worked out. Why was he trying to hurt another person? He was sure he promised himself he wouldn’t anymore, somewhere along the way.

“Steve,” Allen said when they went outside to smoke, pushing the man away as he tried going grabby on him for the third time. “I should go home.”

“What?” Steve mumbled, blinking a few times. “You can’t, Alex. The fun is just starting!”

“Don’t call me that,” Allen snapped, before he could stop himself. Then he continued, fast, before the other could catch on what he just said. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry. I feel like I tried to use you to solve my own problems. Please just nevermind everything. I shouldn’t have agreed to our date.”

“Wh-what the hell?” Steven suddenly looked a good bunch more sober and he was clearly insulted. “It was going so good! What’s wrong with you?”

Allen made himself look at his face.

“Look, nothing really happened, right? Let’s just pretend that it wasn’t a date. And you just shouldn’t mind about me, it will be better like this. I’m really sorry, Steve.” His tone was serious and he tried to say everything as clearly as possible. Maybe the guy will still be mad at him for a while, but Allen was sure he couldn’t have developed any feelings towards someone he barely knew. So he should be alright.

Walking away just to put some distance and then calling a taxi, Allen realized that he got himself a bit tipsy after all. It was hard to focus on being rational and his mind kept wandering to yesterday’s incident on the balcony. He wasn’t too bothered with his overwhelming need to go back in time to kiss Kanda after all. He could deal with that. What he couldn’t deal with, however, was the dam that he placed over his memories. It was weakening, threatening to break. He couldn’t hold it anymore.

As soon as Kanda’s smiling face appeared in his mind, he knew he was done for. The first time he seen it was while helping Kanda and Alma have their peace for their final moments, but— Well, it happened just once more, much later.

When Johnny and Kanda caught up to him, as he was trying to flee the Order and Apocryphos, Allen was relieved. He was relieved that the Exorcist was alive and he couldn’t forgive himself for it immediately after. What was he happy about? Kanda could have been free – either in death or just in hiding, somewhere far away. He chose to follow Allen instead and that was not something to be happy for. Kanda deserved peace maybe more than anyone else, having been toyed with by the Order for longer than a lifetime.

Allen understood soon enough, after a few months of hiding and running with him and Johnny, that Kanda felt he owed him. For understanding who Alma was. He also felt guilty, especially since he used to once despise Allen’s curse and now it was that curse that made the truth discoverable. He also stabbed Allen, admittedly helping out Nea in the process. His feelings were understandable, but nonetheless made the host of the 14th livid. He hoped he had done something for Kanda, he hoped he had saved him. But that— that stubborn asshole practically came back from the dead only to help him. Allen couldn’t deal with the weight of it, he tried to push Kanda away. He tried to push Johnny away, too. He failed in both cases at first, but Johnny eventually relented. Or rather almost got killed and Allen decided to leave him behind, in good care. With Kanda, nothing was ever easy. And so, despites multiple attempts to convince him, the swordsman stayed by his side.

The taxi finally came and Allen managed to get in and mumble the address of his apartment. The driver was silent and it wasn’t easy to break free from that trap he set on himself in his own mind.

He was travelling with Kanda for a long while. They had Noah, Apocryphos, the Order and, independently of it, Link on their ass constantly, sometimes just barely managing to escape. They had a few allies here and there; one of the most prominent ones was probably General Tiedoll - the elder man apparently trusted Kanda enough to believe he knew what he was doing and chose to support them both. It was more for Kanda’s sake than for Allen’s, but that’s actually what made it easier to be grateful to him. They were managing to avoid the Order for a while mainly because of his help.

With the power-shifts and unexpected alliances that were happening later on, Kanda just stayed, the only constant in this mess. It was unbearable. Especially since Allen was also gradually losing to Nea, Kanda’s presence eventually becoming the only thing that made him resist. They have— gotten closer and just more comfortable with each other. Kanda became this mostly silent presence and sometimes Allen felt like he could speak to him more openly. He never fully did, however. He couldn’t make himself talk about Mana and the suspicion that the foundation of who he was now was probably a lie. They had a few very reluctant moments of openness about smaller things though, and that was enough to tighten their relation. So once Allen just— he said that he feels egoistic for being thankful, but he truly appreciates Kanda’s support. The man was silent at this admission, but he smiled, very shortly and not even directly to his face, but it was enough for Allen.

He realized he was standing in front of his apartment door, not even sure how he paid and got out of the taxi. He stared at the lock for a while before starting to search his pockets for the keys.

When they had their conversations, Kanda would sometimes mock him for whatever he said, but they were at a point where Allen always knew that in reality, the man wasn't judging him. And that’s just how they were, still – fighting with words and fists, but understanding and caring. After— after that smile, something changed. Allen started always making sure that their fights were only verbal, made sure that they would never touch. Kanda might have started accepting him, but Allen knew that the man belonged to Alma. It made no sense to— He couldn’t just—

That was the main reason, but still one of many, why Allen never made a move, never said anything back then. He thought he was hiding well enough, but after the conversation with Kanda this morning, he was no longer sure. Why would he be so confident that Allen was gay? Suspicions would have been fine, he supposed. Or just lack of surprise if he ever got to know. Allen could stand that. But this— did this mean Kanda knew about Allen’s feelin— no, not feelings. ‘It’s just attraction,’ Allen reminded himself.

Tripping at the door, he almost fell into the apartment. He messily hanged his jacket and took off his shoes. He was so stupid. Why was he thinking about it in the first place? This was not good, he was managing to repress everything so well, why would he stop now? He liked what he had with his flatmate, very happy how both of them were easily ignoring the inconvenient parts of the past. It was so many years ago, why would it matter?

The living room was dark and Allen was really glad he still came home late. It was probably around one and Kanda was an early riser, so he wasn’t around to see the disaster that was Allen. That was his assumption, at least, but that was before he noticed that the door to the balcony was open.

‘Stop, stupid,’ his mind urged him, but he went there anyway. He wanted to see Kanda. As soon as the outside air hit his jacketless and heated body, his mind cleared up a bit. He welcomed the coolness.

“Done with the date?” his flatmate said when he noticed his presence. He was still in his clothes, it didn’t look like tried to sleep just yet.

“Yes, I suppose,” Allen answered, fishing for a cigarette to keep the other company. “Did you have an awful evening?” He poked at him as he remembered that’s what he wished the man after he was an ass to Steven. Well, Allen was sure that by now he managed to piss his date off more than Kanda though. Rejection was the one thing to be firm about though, he learned it the hard way.

“Yeah,” Kanda answered and Allen had to smile at that a bit, bitterly.

“Me too,” he admitted.

“Maybe you need someone you wouldn’t have to lie to.”

Allen looked at Kanda as he said that, trying to analyze, but the man was just eyeing him steadily.

“I guess I’ll just have to stay alone then.” Allen was avoiding the gaze again, not wanting to see the other’s reaction. He knew what he hoped it to be, but he didn’t want to check, in fear he would be right.

Kanda’s voice was even when he spoke. “I guess so.”

It stung and Allen wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or blindly. He stubbed out his cigarette.

“When do we go shopping tomorrow? Morning or afternoon?” Allen asked, already turning to go back inside.

“Afternoon is fine,” Kanda thrown with a scoff and stayed behind on the balcony.


	16. May 9th, Saturday - III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~! So this concludes the Saturday <3 Enjoy! (Also, the chapters are gonna get longer from now on.)

**May 9th, Saturday - III**

It was only around ten minutes after Allen and the douche-guy left for their date that Kanda started feeling a bit bad about his own behavior. Fuck, okay, that was probably really unnecessary. But the guy was just  _annoying_. What was he called again? Allen addressed him as ‘Steve’ or something. What a stupid name. It definitely suited him.

What pissed Kanda off the most in all this was probably the way Allen seemed to want to protect Steve from his _asshole flatmate_ . And damn right he should. Maybe Steven was taller than him, but Kanda was willing to bet that he could snap him in-between his fingers no problem. And so could Allen, which was also annoying, because Steven seemed so confident around him. He clearly had no idea. About what kind of person the bean was and whatnot. This was not even about the past, Kanda was perfectly aware that fucking reincarnation was not something you went casually explaining to people. It was just— Allen was pulling that stupid goody two-shoes act in front of that guy, wasn’t he? Kanda could bet. That was just ridiculous, did he really hope to date someone that he was deluding like this? And, honestly, Kanda didn't give a shit about Steven. Allen though— well, that was complicated, but at the very least the thought of Allen hurting himself just by being fake with some random dude was making Kanda— _uncomfortable_.

He put his laptop aside, glasses on top, and got up with a frustrated huff. He needed a cigarette. Being the nasty habit it was, at least it usually helped him clear his mind. But no luck this time, it seemed.

Relationship based on pretending all the time was definitely not going to work. Kanda knew it better than anyone after what he has been through. That didn’t matter anymore though. Or at least Kanda liked to tell himself so. The past was the past.

Actually, Kanda wished he could just forget everything. He felt so recycled by now. First, he died on a mission, then the Order resurrected him into that sore excuse of a human. And now what? What was this joke even? At the very least, Kanda didn’t remember his original life - not that he was sure it was a good thing, very likely it wasn’t. He still wondered sometimes how different did he use to be, but definitely not as often as he did as a Second Exorcist.

Where would he be now if he didn’t remember anything though? Would ‘Morita Rikuya’ become a politician eventually, like his asshole of a father? What a disgusting thought. That would just prove how much the environment can actually influence a person. Because ‘Kanda’ really hated these kinds of people and politics in general. It was like a disease, every single person involved just buzzing with egoism and ill intent, blabbering about shit just because it was what people supposedly wanted to hear. They reminded him of the high-ups in Central, back from the Black Order days.

Kanda’s father was probably still worse than anyone else. He was a very strict man and a Japanese nationalist to the core. He valued tradition above everything and treated Kanda’s mother like shit. Or like a servant, at the very best. They were actually divorced now, which his father took as a personal offense and a stain on his honor. His mother could stand a lot and for years she did, but eventually she left when his father started openly accusing her of sleeping around. Kanda didn’t know if it was true, but even if it was, he definitely couldn’t blame her.

Kanda’s mother actually haven’t talked to him for years now and that’s why he suspected that the whole situation had something to do with him. His father commented on multiple occasions how unnatural it was that Kanda had blue eyes - their whole family was one hundred percent Japanese after all. Kanda personally always thought that his eye color had nothing to do with genetics. It was likely just a quirk of fate, just one extra detail to make him feel like some kind of unnatural occurrence instead of an actual person. He looked exactly like he used to as a Second Exorcist, exactly like those assholes had engineered him.

Kanda frowned with a sudden realization, stubbing out his cigarette on the ashtray and returning inside. Wasn’t it all the more unfair that Allen got to avoid having white hair, then? Besides, Kanda actually thought that Allen looked better like that. With white hair, that is. It fit him. He was a weirdo with a fucked-up background, so he definitely shouldn’t look so normal. It was almost insulting. Then there was also a hard to admit part – quirky just looked good on him. Even if Kanda liked to tease him about his appearance in the past, gradually less seriously, over time he just took it as something obvious – Allen Walker was a strange person both on the inside and on the outside. Maybe Kanda got used to it even more than he really should have, not to go as far as to say that he kind of appreciated it. He never stopped the mean comments though, he wouldn’t be himself if he did. But, eventually he didn’t have any ill will to back them up anymore. But right now— some things were just a bit different, he decided.

They still called each other names, not really intending to hurt most of the time, but sometimes Allen sounded surprisingly sincere. And Kanda was sure Allen knew better than to really think him heartless. He should, at least. Did he not remember everything? Or maybe he was ignoring what was inconvenient? Kanda got along with it easily enough, so he probably had no right complain, but— If that stubborn idiot would just stop hiding, maybe they could talk. They could pick up where they left off, instead of rolling back to old habits of trying to constantly piss each other off. There were many things they probably should not touch, like the period of Nea’s highest influence later on, but the way Allen completely cut some parts of their relation out of his behavior just didn’t sit well with Kanda, regardless.

But even so— he wasn’t entirely sure they should address it, either. He was tempted to push away and either go along with the act completely, or simply move out. At least that’s how it was a month ago. Now he couldn’t stand that feeling of ‘rewerting progress’ anymore. Now he just thought—

He didn’t like leaving things unfinished. In that regard, the situation with Allen now felt like the one with Alma when he was still an Exorcist. Kanda found the comparison more than uncomfortable. Should he reach out, somehow?

He ended up mulling over it for the whole evening and no amount of green tea and attempts at meditation managed to calm him down. He wondered if Allen was not going to come back for the night. Was he trying to just get a lay or actually attempting something serious? If he was serious, how much did he lie? Besides that— why was he even surprised that Kanda knew he was gay?

It was something that became obvious to him when they were on the run together, Allen suddenly going out of his way to avoid any and all physical contact. It was coincidentally close to when they started being more open with each other and Kanda figured that Allen started unwillingly feeling attracted to him. He always tried not to give it too much thought and pretended he didn’t notice.

Actually, he was pretty sure he knew Allen’s orientation even before that, now that he was wondering about it. Lenalee gave him that information once, way earlier. He ignored it back then, too, not understanding the purpose of such knowledge.

Right now, on the balcony, he— couldn’t stop thinking about it. And about Allen in general.

And because of that, he was painfully aware of the moment Allen came back. He heard the lock, he heard footsteps approaching. He also heard his own immediately calmer breath and the idea of being relieved over what Allen did and didn’t do made him a bit bitter.

“Done with the date?” There was no real bite to it when he said that, and he absently wondered if it showed how much he wanted to hear if Allen had something he wanted to tell him.

“Yeah, I suppose,” was the only answer and Kanda expected Allen to walk away, but he actually took out a cigarette. Kanda did the same and it turned out the other really wanted to say something after all. “Did you have an awful evening?” he was just teasing him, like he often did, but there was close to no humor in it. Maybe that was the only reason Kanda didn’t snap at him.

“Yeah,” he allowed himself to answer and Allen smiled a bit crookedly. It was awfully hard to guess what was he thinking.

“Me too,” he said eventually and Kanda tried not to feel satisfaction.

“Maybe you need someone you wouldn’t have to lie to,” he provoked thoughtlessly, but even as it unintentionally came out sounding very personal, Allen didn’t seem willing to pick up the bait.

“I guess I’ll just have to stay alone then.” It was definitely not an okay answer, but Kanda tried to not let his anger show. It was one of the few emotions he usually let go though, so it was a very foreign feeling.

He still couldn’t stop himself from a barbed comment. “I guess so.”

Allen stubbed out his cigarette, as if on cue, and apparently decided to ignore the tense atmosphere.

“When do we go shopping tomorrow? Morning or afternoon?” was his question and Kanda was immediately twice as mad.

“Afternoon is fine,” he scoffed. Truly a matter of life and death, was it? Walker was so fucking stupid sometimes. That’s why Kanda let him walk away, finishing smoking unhurriedly. He should probably just get along with Allen's choices, he decided, ignoring his conscience.

Idiot. They were both about to eternally stay cowards, weren’t they?


	17. May 10th, Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~

**May 10th, Sunday**

Sunday shopping was awful. It felt as if everyone had the same idea at once, to come to the same shop, and the crowds were unbearable. It was funny, too, because they went in the morning after all, contrary to what they had agreed. Allen proposed it, not able to stand the tension-packed silence as they were eating breakfast. He decided that the faster they go, the better. He also found a rational argument to support it – there was for sure more people around during the afternoon. So, in perspective, he was either wrong, or could afternoon really be even worse than this?

“Great fucking idea you had,” Kanda growled as an old lady shoved past him, apparently needing to put eggs into her shopping cart _right now_ and not a second later. Allen smiled to himself at the expression on his face. The man wasn't even really annoyed, he knew. Or at the very least not anymore. He has been trying hard to pretend, but Allen could see how pleased he was since they managed to get some real soba into their cart. It was Asian week at the market and apparently someone actually tried harder for a change, some of the products actually imported from Japan, China, Korea. They were admittedly expensive, but it's not like Allen was paying for those.

“We’re almost done, so stop complaining,” he said, mostly just to humor the other. He wondered about how much cheese did they need for three weeks – that's how often they agreed they should be going shopping. His eyes wandered over to a family pack, but he grimaced lightly at the name. He dumped two normal packs on the pile of food instead.

“That would be just for you, no?” Kanda grumbled, adding another with a pointed stare.

“Kanda, I don't eat that much anymore,” Allen said, exasperated. Were his past eating habits really such a trauma to Kanda that he had to be so irrational about it now?

“You do,” Kanda scoffed and then rolled his eyes in response to Allen’s stare. “Look, maybe you eat less, but you have a snack every half an hour on average, so don't give me that bullshit.”

“Snacks should not even _count_.”

In response, Kanda thrown yet another cheese packet into the cart and walked ahead to look at the choice of tofu.

Allen sighed as soon as he knew the other wasn’t looking. He was still not okay. Last night put a toll on him and he was trying to deal with the renewed focus on memories of him and Kanda. It was not easy. But it _was_ admittedly easier as the man was being his special brand of asshole. Allen wasn’t sure if he wanted to thank him or punch him.

They finished up snatching some products and went to stand in a long, long queue. Long enough, actually, that when they were halfway through, they ran out of things to argue about for the time being. Usually when it happened, they would just walk away, whether it be in the apartment or back in the halls of the Black Order Headquarters. Now they were in the stupid queue, so they just— fell silent, not looking at each other, standing at the opposite sides of their cart.

Allen was unable to find anything to say, having a hard time dealing with himself already. He was starting to get uncomfortable, stomach knotting. Surprisingly, Kanda broke the silence.

“Are you gonna be brooding whole day?” His tone was not aggressive in the least and he wasn’t looking at Allen.

It took a moment to process the words, but eventually they registered. Kanda noticed straight away what a mess Allen was, didn’t he? He was distracting him on purpose. Allen was barely able to swallow with how tight the collar of his jacket suddenly felt.

“I’m not,” he answered reluctantly.

“That guy from yesterday seemed like he would be too talkative and self-centered. And that he would act without thinking.” Kanda was staring somewhere ahead, arms crossed on his chest.

Allen was endlessly glad that the other wasn’t looking as he almost gaped. Did Kanda— did he really think that Allen was sad over Steven? Well, he probably should be, yes. But thinking about the date made him feel only guilty. Maybe that’s why, despites admittedly agreeing with all of Kanda’s accusations, Allen felt like he should defend the guy.

“Steven is okay,” he said weakly, immediately realizing he should have tried harder. Even that much was apparently enough to bother his flatmate though.

“Sure, whatever,” Kanda thrown snappishly, his stance shifting, obviously intending to cut the conversation.  

Allen almost laughed, nervousness constricting his chest. Sometimes he felt like the man was unintentionally flirting with him, but now he seemed jealous? Didn’t Allen already have too much of a struggle without that? “I meant that he did nothing wrong, it was my fault.” Allen’s voice was perfectly steady now. He had no problem talking about Steven. Kanda must have noticed that shift, because he was now looking at him suspiciously, jaw slightly raised as his face was barely turned to Allen. The sharp lines of his face looked positively delectable from this angle. Allen slapped himself mentally. He was probably going to be needing it a lot now. It looked very suspiciously like the dynamic between them was shifting to the one they had on the run. Those were hard times for Allen, for far too many reasons.

“Never thought it wasn’t. As I said yesterday, knowing your fake ass, you were pretending again.” Allen had a feeling like the man was short of scolding him, judging by his frown. If anything, that just proved his suspicions were right. Things were definitely about to change if Kanda was openly talking to him about that particular topic. Maybe Allen should have already been tipped off by their short exchange on the balcony last night.

There was one other time Kanda confronted him about being fake, Allen remembered. The then-still-swordsman pinned him to a wall, giving him an almost heart attack just to tell him to finally stop pretending. He explained that Allen had to stop lying and telling he was fine on his own, he needed all of the support he could get if he wanted to hope to resist the 14th. Then, Kanda went out of his way to snap at him that his fake smile was annoying anyway and that he would be more trustworthy if he was just always being himself. That was all passed onto him while he had Kanda’s sword against his throat, but he still counted it as one of the most open displays of care that the man has ever shown him.

“You’re saying it like I had any choice. To him I’m ‘Alex’, Kanda.” Allen was irritated, because what he just said was a very simple truth and Kanda must have known that as well. There was no way he could open up to someone. There was too much backstory that would be near impossible to explain. Along with annoyance, however, a part of Allen was completely disarmed with Kanda’s way of caring.

“But no one forced you to go out with him, no?” Kanda scoffed, now looking at him in distaste.

“Shut up. Maybe you wouldn’t mind being alone forever, but I don’t want that, asshole. Don’t make it sound so simple,” Allen grit through his teeth, mostly to keep his voice lower – some people in the slow-moving queue seemed to be getting interested in the commotion. Kanda had a very nasty tendency to make Allen stop noticing the surroundings sometimes. And make him say stupid things, apparently. Because, on a second thought, maybe he shouldn’t have said what he did so easily.

“Isn’t it better alone?” It was clear to Allen that Kanda wished he didn’t speak up as well. His grimace and averted gaze betrayed everything. Allen wondered briefly if Kanda was thinking about something particular or was it meant to be just his general view, but soon he let the thought go. He should not pry.

They had to start putting the products from their cart onto the conveyor belt at the cashier. After a minor dispute about who’s paying for what, Allen conceded and agreed to split the costs half-half. Kanda’s tastebuds were so outrageously expensive though. Well, with the prices of certain ingredients in England anyway. He was clearly into his national cuisine. Actually… it seemed so natural to assume that Kanda was Japanese, but was he?

“Were you born in Japan?” Allen decided that the question was innocent enough to just ask, curiously looking at the other as they were making their way to the tube, both carrying two heavy bags, one in each hand.

“Yeah,” Kanda answered, giving him a strange look.

“Hey, what? Look, it's not _that_ obvious. You could have been born anywhere.” Allen's mind supplied with ‘and at any time’ and he couldn't help feeling grateful that they were more or less the same age. What if Kanda was in his forties or so, would they even manage to maintain any sort of relation? He strained to imagine it. ‘Still hot’ was his only conclusion. The rest was a bit hard to picture.

“Whatever.”

“Actually, what are you doing in England?” Allen realized only now that it was even a valid question. That is, they _did_ live here as Exorcists, but that was not really enough of a reason to be here, was it?

“I moved here, obviously. Get lost.” Kanda stopped looking at him now and Allen was more or less forced to drop the topic. They were getting into the crowded train and he didn’t really feel like doing anything besides feeling overwhelmingly uncomfortable with being squished by people. Sometimes he missed their Exorcists’ first class compartments in trains. That was so convenient. And walking was also nice. He briefly wondered if they should have taken his car after all. Allen really disliked driving though. And petrol was definitely too expensive.

The ride wasn’t long and they were climbing the long flights of stairs soon, being about the only people that didn’t use the escalator. They maintained their casual pace all the way up and soon continued through the alleys towards their building. Allen noticed what nice weather it was today and suddenly had a thought, a too tempting one not to give in.

“Kanda,” Allen called, forced to catch up since he was left behind when briefly staring at the sky. The man didn’t answer, but turned his face to him slightly. “Have you ever tried running?” As Kanda remained silent, now frowning at him, Allen precised. “You know, regularly. In the morning or so.”

“I always do that,” Kanda answered, expression unchanged. Right, of course. _That_ is what he was confused about, he thought it was obvious. Was Allen lazy? He never thought he was lazy. He did that, too. Running. Just for the warmer part of the year though. He wanted to ask Kanda if he wanted to join him this year, but― well, this was good enough, wasn’t it?

“Can I join you?” Allen asked, trying not to look too excited and just reprimanding himself that he was _not_ flirting, so sending Kanda the look that he did was completely unnecessary.

“If you don’t keep up, I won’t wait.” Kanda said, turning to look to the front again.

“I think I’ll manage,” Allen answered simply. He also tried to tell himself that there was nothing ulterior in his motives for feeling happy about their plans. He was just going to have company this year, that is always nice. Even if it’s Kanda. Absolutely not _because_ it’s Kanda and missing the view of the man sweaty definitely didn’t have anything to do with it. Though it _was_ a rarity nowadays, he had to admit. Maybe he should have been just waking up a bit earlier all that time, he could catch Kanda coming back after th―

A sudden sound of a ringtone he had set for Lenalee interrupted his thoughts. He tended to ignore calls and he never wanted to ignore her, so it was a very annoying one.  

“What the fu―” Kanda started, looking at him with disgust.

“Shut up,” he interrupted and thrown one bag on the same hand as the other to be able to pick up the call fast.

“Hello?” he answered, a bit embarrassed with the whole situation. He really needed to change this song.

‘Allen!’ Lenalee greeted him cheerfully. ‘It’s so good to hear you.’

“You too, Lena,” he laughed and for some reason it seemed like the answer made her unusually pleased.

‘Oh, _Allen_ …’ She sounded touched.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

‘No, no, it’s nothing. I just haven’t heard you so happy for a while. But never mind that right now.” She didn’t want to bother him about it, it seemed, and she quickly got her voice under control. “I was thinking, do you have time next weekend? I know that it’s such a short notice. But me and my husband managed to get some days off… we were planning to go to England with the boys, but maybe I could drop by just for a short while― If you would want.’

“Do you really have to ask? You know I’m never busy on weekends anyway. And I always want you to drop by.”

At the comment about weekends Kanda threw him a glare, but he ignored him.

‘Great then, I’ll see you― on Saturday, maybe?’

“Sure, I mean―” He instantly realized that the other could always have some unexpected plans, too. “You okay with Saturday?” he thrown a brief question, phone a bit away from his face, and he got a short nod in response. “Yeah, Saturday is okay for us,” he finished, back to Lenalee.

‘Us?’ she asked curiously.

“Yeah, I meant Kanda,” Allen said as if it was nothing special, but somehow the woman sounded all the more surprised.

‘ _Oh._ He stayed?’ she asked, and Allen suddenly felt a bit hot. Well, but that was normal, they were carrying really heavy stuff after all, maybe he was just getting tired. But―

He _did_ actually stay, didn’t he? They never talked about if there was a new deadline Kanda wanted to set. It was actually a bit surreal when he thought about it for a second. They were living together. He was always just feeling a lot like old times, in the good sense, so he never gave it that much thought. But under closer scrutiny, it was almost as if they were openly admitting that they were okay with each other. Or even―

‘I’m really happy for you, Allen.’ Okay, this was all wrong, because Lenalee was almost crying. Maybe he stayed silent for too long and she got the wrong idea.

“Lena, no. _No._ ” He hurried to interrupt, before she could say anything more. “Absolutely not what you’re thinking right now.” His voice was maybe shaking slightly on the first part of the sentence, but he managed to calm it down.

‘I’ll be there on the afternoon,’ she said and Allen had this uncomfortable feeling that she was trying very hard not to laugh at him. ‘So see you then, okay? Bye.’ With those words, Lenalee ended the call and Allen was a bit petrified to notice that Kanda was staring at him. He only now realized that they were somehow in the kitchen already and he was just standing there, still holding the bags. He wasn’t paying attention at all. Kanda must have kept opening doors for him and was surely annoyed by now.

He turned away, hid his phone in his pocket and placed his bags on the kitchen counter to help with unpacking, which Kanda already started on.

“What the fuck was that about?” Kanda asked exactly like he dreaded. Why did he always have to be so damn curious when it came to Lenalee? This specific time would be very handy if he could not give a fuck.

“Lenalee wants to visit on Saturday,” he pretended he didn’t know what Kanda was talking about and planned to firmly stick to it.

“Yeah, no shit. And the other part?” Kanda glared now, clearly not feeling like pulling things out of him.

“That was personal.” Allen’s palms turned sweaty as it only served for the man’s look to get more suspecting.

“ _Yeah, I meant Kanda_?” he quoted Allen with a scoff.

“Well, yes. That was about Saturday.” It was not that easy to bend Allen and Kanda knew that very well. And maybe that’s why he was soon right in front of him, clearly not feeling like sticking to the question-answer approach. This was _not good_ at all, too much physical contact and all of this could spectacularly explode in Allen’s face. They should definitely not fight. “She misunderstood what I said and thought we were a couple, asshole. Did you really need me to tell you that?” Allen said firmly with a grimace, hoping it didn’t show how warm his face felt.

Kanda tensed, then stared, and soon he was back to unpacking. Allen helped him in silence, paying extra attention not to stand too close or bump, which was quite difficult in the kitchen. When they were done, he decided that he really _really_ needed a cigarette and this time Kanda didn’t follow him out. Allen decided to absolutely avoid the other for the rest of the day. It wasn’t even all that difficult, because Kanda was doing the same.


	18. May 11th, Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's E now B)

**May 11th, Monday**

Thanks to avoiding Kanda yesterday, Allen managed to get a lot of translating done. He still made sure that he went to sleep early though. He remembered that they were planning to go running next morning and, uncomfortable or not, he was resolved to see it through. Preferably every day.

And so there he was, awake at an ungodly hour. He very soon understood that he must have woken up even earlier than Kanda, because the man was still nowhere to be seen. Well, Allen might have roused a bit too early then, but that was just because the asshole Kanda didn’t give him any hour to get prepared for. So he couldn’t know. That’s why he woke up at five, just in case.

When Kanda showed up in the living room compartment around six, Allen simply couldn’t regret waiting for as long as he did, just sitting at the kitchen table with a long since empty mug of tea. Because it turned out that Kanda got out of his room around that hour, in nothing but his boxers. He momentarily noticed Allen and glared at him, but apparently wasn’t ashamed enough, if at all, to go back and dress himself. 

“Good morning,” Allen said, smirking at him instead of plain ogling as he was tempted to do. This was a very peculiar sight. He studied Kanda's body in the past way more often than he was willing to admit, but this now felt as if he was discovering something new. It was still Kanda, but without his seal and maybe just this tiny bit less muscly. Which was to be expected, Allen supposed. In the past, the man was most times either in combat or training and nowadays his routine wasn't that outrageously strict.

“You’re never awake at this hour,” Kanda growled, as if in explanation, to Allen’s horror actually getting closer instead of going to the bathroom like he expected. Kanda stopped by the table just very briefly to throw him a look, but that was enough for Allen to not have to leave anything to imagination. Kanda was gorgeous. His hair was a bit ruffled, some sleep still visible in his eyes even as he glared and he was this perfect balance between slim and muscled. Allen wanted to just― lick every next patch of skin that he looked at even more than the previous. And, after barely few seconds, Kanda turned to look in front again and walked past him to the cupboards, giving Allen this perfect chance to shamelessly stare at his long legs, strong-looking tights and his absolutely amazing ass. He could see that the man was very clearly running everyday, he would never doubt it with such a proof - it was very obvious, even if Kanda had a bit more slender silhouette than most fit men of his height. Then he opened a cupboard and took a glass from the top shelf, his back flexing as he reached up with his arm. Allen wanted to kiss down that spine, his hands would caress the skin around it and he could smile to himself way too much, without Kanda being able to see him and tell him that he was being sappy. Except, of course, that would never happen. 

‘You’re being fucking creepy again, you got through this before, remember?’ he told himself firmly and turned his eyes away. Not for long, however, and not managing to refuse himself just this one last quick glance at Kanda’s ass as his gaze returned. He focused on the back of his head now, trying to empty his mind from these awful thoughts. His hair was really beautiful though. It was curious, too, no one that used a stupid 2-in-1 gel should have such hair. Allen did miss how long it used to be though.

Then Kanda turned to him and Allen managed just in time to make himself appear bored.

“Stop staring.” Kanda squinted at him and Allen smirked smugly, head rested on the palm of his hand.

“Aren’t you imagining things, Kanda? I’m just waiting and you’re taking awfully long for someone that came here to drink a glass of water.” Privately, Allen congratulated himself that he even noticed what Kanda was doing. 

“You’re obviously waiting for a while already, so what’s the difference” Kanda scoffed and then drank the water, having no right to look as sexy as he did while doing so. Seeing as they were going running, Allen knew that this particular problem was about to get worse. He was the one that asked for it though. He was so eager to be his own enemy sometimes. Well, at least Kanda will be dressed, it shouldn’t be that bad. 

The man was pretty quick getting ready after this. He went to the bathroom and then to his room, soon emerging in a T-shirt and sweatpants, running shoes in hand. Most importantly though, he had a ponytail. A short one, something very similar to what Allen used to have at a point in the past. As he tried to assess how much he liked Kanda like this, the man glared, obviously not appreciating his stare. ‘One comment and I’ll kill you’, his expression seemed to say as he moved on to put on the shoes. 

All the more reason to chide, Allen decided. “That’s a nice excuse for a ponytail.” He got up from his place at the table and went to put on some sports shoes as well. Kanda was glaring holes through his head. 

“You’ve had worse,” he sneered and Allen just laughed shortly. He didn’t exactly care enough about stuff like that to cut his hair back then. There was obviously more important things to worry about. But he liked it how he had it now, just a slightly long-ish mess around his face. It was nice in terms of being comfortable, at least. The looks— well, he was very rarely checking himself in the mirror in the first place. His face made him feel uneasy and the current brown hair color, while not dark enough, was still reminiscent of—

“I’m impressed you even remember that,” Allen interrupted himself, wanting to derail his train of thought. 

Kanda stared at him for long seconds. What was curious though was how Allen’s comment seemed to calm him down. Or, at the very least, it distracted him.

“I remember everything,” he said, his gaze somehow intense and Allen felt nervousness knot in his stomach. “Or close to it,” Kanda added after a moment.  

Allen was not sure what he meant exactly, but, either way, he did not intend to push this topic further. They left in silence, Allen locking the door behind them, then dropping the keys into the pocket of his sweatpants. 

“Where do you usually run?” Allen asked as they were going down the stairs of their building.

“Just around.” Kanda shrugged, throwing him a glance. 

Allen supposed it was fair enough. There was a big, main street nearby, but the zone directly around was almost like a park, just narrow alleys criss crossing the apartment buildings. It was nice. Allen himself usually preferred places with less people though, but maybe this early in the morning it shouldn’t be a problem. When he was running, he just went whenever he got up, his job allowing him that much freedom. If he had classes, he tended to go in the evening. 

The morning was quite chilly, but Allen thought he should be fine in his long sleeved T-shirt as soon as they get moving. Kanda stretched briefly and Allen did the same, even if only to focus on something else then staring. Because, in truth, he has already done his part, having more than enough time while waiting for Kanda to get up. But some more definitely couldn’t hurt, especially since it’s been a while. 

Allen noticed that Kanda was looking at him at a point, but he didn’t comment on it. Sometimes he thought how fortunate it was that Kanda usually kept his face impassive. Regardless of if he looked with distaste or appreciation, Allen didn’t want to know. Then again, it was likely neither. Was that better or worse, he couldn’t decide.

“Let’s go?” Allen said, straightening up and lacing his fingers together as he made a final stretch of his arms, flexing them above his head. He tried not to notice how Kanda briefly glanced somewhere at his stomach, only to quickly turn away and abruptly start running.  

Allen sighed and skipped to his side, both of them settling into a comfortable pace. It was comfortable for the first handful of minutes at least, but soon Allen fully felt that it has indeed been way too long since he last did this. Renewing the habit was a bit of a struggle every year. Maybe he should have just forced himself through the cold months. 

Kanda was minimally ahead after some time, serving as a guide for the path they took. Though he was still close enough that he couldn’t have missed how Allen’s breathing picked up already. That was only confirmed as Kanda thrown him a sideways glance with a haughty scoff. 

“Fuck off,” Allen managed, staring ahead. He was determined to keep up. His legs didn’t really appreciate when he tried to continue at Kanda’s pace, but he forced it, jaw tight not to let his discomfort show.  

But then, determination is not really always enough and eventually Allen was lagging behind again, annoyance stirring inside him. Kanda and his regular as clockwork attitude about workout and sword practice have always amazed Allen, to the point of actually slightly pissing him off. It  _ might _ have been jealousy once, nothing was ever as stable in his life as Kanda’s whole being seemed to be. Of course, a few closer insights about him proved it wrong eventually, but the thought was still there. Kanda was ever-the-soldier in a way. 

Allen was straight out gasping now, reduced to staring at Kanda’s back as he ran. His short ponytail was bouncing slightly with the movement of his body. He was truly graceful, seemingly effortlessly. But of course Allen knew that it was just years of exercising, both now and back then. And well, nowadays, even if Allen went running, he would be done after twenty minutes or so. They surpassed that much by now.

Kanda’s shirt was sticking to his back already and Allen unwillingly followed the trail all the way down to his ass. It definitely wasn’t smart, because he has never seen sweatpants looking so flattering on someone before. They hugged him just right, hiding only a bit of the work his muscles were doing. It was hypnotizing. But—  _ this _ combined with the eyeful of Kanda in boxers he got in the morning was definitely not helping him right now.

Allen was completely out of breath, now for doubled reasons. He also had to admit that smoking was surely adding up to all this and he was doing it more often than he ever used to, nowadays. He should stop using going to the balcony as an excuse to actually spend some time with Kanda, he realized. 

“Wait here,” Kanda said suddenly, his breathing heavy but steady, and Allen noticed they stopped next to a small neighborhood store. He failed to guess why, but his exhausted body gratefully took this opportunity to sit on the stairs in front of it for a moment. He felt a bit defeated and so, refused to look at the other’s face. 

Kanda was back in barely a minute or two, Allen’s breathing almost back to normal by then. He still didn’t really look at the other, but his thankfully quick reflexes still enabled him to catch a bottle of water that was suddenly thrown at him. He was forced to look at Kanda now, the man standing right in front of him, arms crossed on his chest.

“Thanks,” Allen managed to say, a bit speechless at the nice gesture. He opened the bottle and took just a few small sips, knowing that they will be still running back home - the feeling of excessive liquid in his stomach as he ran was the last thing he needed. The water passed his parched throat, a wave of relief making him think a bit clearer. 

“You suck,” Kanda said as he sat on the stairs next to him. 

“Yeah,” Allen laughed shortly, just slightly bitter. He corked the bottle and passed it to Kanda, but the man didn’t drink, just holding it in his hand. “I guess I was slacking more than I thought.” In this moment, he honestly expected Kanda to tell him not to come with him anymore. He wouldn’t blame him for it either, he highly doubted the other needed this break. Allen was just delaying him. And all that after he warned that he won’t wait. How awfully nice of him, Allen realized. Both this and the water.

Kanda stared for a moment and Allen smiled just a bit in response, streakingly reminded that the most beautiful part of Kanda’s body has always been his face. He looked away. 

“You’ll get used to it” was the delayed response and Allen immediately got up from the stairs, eager to start running again so that he would have an excuse for his quickened heartbeat. 

“Yeah,” he said and they ran back to the apartment, pace admittedly a bit slower than initially. Whether it was meant for Allen to be able to keep up or was Kanda just a bit tired too, he couldn’t tell. 

He was a mess as they came back, only pride stopping him from tumbling to the couch straight away. He only did so as Kanda disappeared into the bathroom – he was taking a shower first, which was only fair since he had work. Even if he was only leaving around ten o’clock, so still in a couple of hours... Allen could have probably argued with him about it, but he just wanted to sit down. Besides, the few brief glances at Kanda’s face and neck covered with a faint sheen of sweat were more than destructive enough. Minimal interaction was the wisest choice. 

And so Allen waited, staring at the ceiling, trying to get himself to just—  _ stop thinking _ . He needed the shower for both cleaning and privacy right now. There was no denying his arousal from building up anymore, now that he was just resting. 

When Kanda came out of the bathroom in a towel as per usual, Allen could not afford to look at him. Then, hearing the door to Kanda’s room close was his queue to move. He locked himself inside the bathroom, frantically undressing as soon as he felt safe. His breathing was quickened and the scent of Kanda’s stupid gel and the humid steam were still present and definitely not helping. 

“Shit,” Allen whined to himself quietly. What the hell did he get himself into? This was— this was worse than ever. He was burning up just from staring like an idiot. 

Admittedly, his attraction to Kanda has had a few stages. At first, it really was only physical and also subdued by the fact that Kanda was a complete asshole, pissing him off more often than not. By the time Allen felt like they understood each other, the attraction has gotten far worse, but— well, he was quite obviously living in constant stress and the looming threat was usually enough to get himself under control. Then there was also a time when— when the 14th’s is influence was too strong for Allen to actually feel much. It was more like he ‘knew’ about that period rather than actually remembering it. He pushed the thought about it away, as usual. 

Right now— there was no stopping this tension, Allen realized. How could he hold it if Kanda was always right there under his nose and the only thing he had to worry about, besides the past, was his stupid book commission? He was screwed.

He stumbled into the shower stall and turned the tap, warm water flowing immediately since it was recently in use. He rested his back on the only slightly cool tiles and groaned quietly as soon as he let his palm wrap around his straining erection. 

Kanda’s face was clear in his mind, it has never disappeared in the first place. He stroked himself, biting his lip. This whole morning was one huge jerking-off material. There was a tight knot of arousal in his lower abdomen and he was desperate to get rid of it fast, so he let his mind go where it wanted to, maybe with a bit more leeway than usual. He just— he just wanted to kiss Kanda. And touch him, everywhere. He wanted to know how he looked like when he was aroused, he wanted to see him shaking with release. He would let him do whatever he wanted with his body. He could fuck him until he couldn’t see straight, he could thrust into his mouth and Allen would just moan around his cock. He wanted to undress Kanda, just rip his clothes away and lick every piece of his skin. Or he could just peel that stupid towel off after one of his showers, that seemed satisfying enough. Then he could fuck him, see how his muscles flexed as pleasure overwhelmed him, pleasure that Allen would give him. 

He was forced to be biting down on his free hand, not wanting to be discovered because of his vocal way of dealing with pleasure. He tightened the grip on his cock, movements speeding up. He really needed to— He needed to feel Kanda’s body against him. He was sure he will go mad otherwise, if he hasn’t yet. It was unfair how gorgeous he was, his whole body was like one huge provocation. He would grip his hips as he thrust inside him, he would make him moan and go completely crazy, Kanda’s composure completely gone as he met him halfway, just pushing against him, getting him deeper inside. And Allen would just claw at his back as Kanda fucked him, groaning as he reached deep. Allen was sure it would be very intense, he could almost feel the burning in his chest that just having Kanda so close would cause. 

Allen was fingering himself before he even realized, now forced to bite the insides of his cheeks, both hands busy. The final nail to his coffin turned out to be Kanda looking at him with intense arousal in his eyes, his lips slightly stretched into a daring smirk. Allen was coming, shaking and letting a strangled moan slip as he slid down the wall, his tired legs refusing to support him. He was still a bit destroyed after the jogging. He could already feel his muscles hurting and he didn’t dare to even imagine the morning. 

He let out a shaky sigh as he sat down in the stall, arms loosely resting on his knees. He made himself list all the reasons why approaching Kanda in any way was absolutely forbidden, just as a reminder.  

Kanda was a jerk, he could not possibly give Allen all he wanted in a relationship. They shared many difficult moments and the intimate knowledge they had about each other was making it very easy to hurt and be hurt. Kanda was probably not attracted to him at all, all he felt was likely some form of respect. Kanda had feelings towards— he belonged with someone else. That someone was originally female, so there was no reason to believe that anyone with a dick had any chance to begin with. There was also— there was something else, much more grave and serious and Allen couldn’t remember, but— somehow, he suddenly felt overwhelmingly sick. 

He made himself wash up quickly, ignoring dizziness, knowing that he was already taking suspiciously long. He cursed as he was done, realizing he had nothing to dress into, the clothes he went running in were completely drenched with sweat.

When he emerged from the bathroom in a towel, he just went straight past Kanda sitting on the couch, trying not to think about what he has just done and about the fact that he was in a fucking  _ towel _ and Kanda was properly seeing his tattooed arm for the first time, and disappeared into his room. Next time he left it, Kanda was already gone off to work. Not dealing with his emotions very well, laptop on his lap, Allen made himself get focused on his assignment. 

 


	19. May 12th, Tuesday

**May 12th, Tuesday**

Previous day’s evening was terrible, Allen decided. He fought with himself to resist smoking approximately ten times, the ease of jogging in mind, but eventually gave in. Kanda followed him, a while after he came back from work, but none of them said anything. The silence only served to make Allen even more nervous than he was initially. He sincerely hoped that his behavior wasn’t giving too much of an insight into the state of his mind. He wasn’t sure his control was completely intact. There was so many things he wanted to tell Kanda, but couldn’t. His mind was lingering on the past against his will. It just made everything worse, of course. He remembered plenty, but admittedly not everything. Some of his memories were— tainted. They were not entirely his, or at least not only his. Because after the initial complete switches to Nea, when Allen was locked away in his own mind, gradually came moments of partial control by both of them. It was getting very complicated sometimes for him to tell apart his and Nea’s thoughts. He was slowly changing. Kanda was still by his side, but then Allen was pretty sure that at one point he just— wasn’t anymore. Why? Did he finally leave? Or—

Allen felt nauseous again and actually went to puke, but ended up just shaking and retching dryly above the toilet seat. He hadn’t eaten much that day. When he finally went to sleep, it was very restless.

So today morning was worse than he could possibly imagine before. He woke up at six this time, muscles hurting beyond belief. Some quick stretching helped to relieve it a bit, but he still felt as if he was moving with the grace of someone three times his body-age. He needed to remember to always stretch not only before, but also _after_ running. He admittedly forgot yesterday, too preoccupied with his— physical obsession over Kanda. He found himself disgusting. Why, _why_ couldn’t he just _stop_ . They didn’t need this, he knew. Him and Kanda had enough trouble being proper friends already. Because he did want them to be friends, he did want them to be people that could find some comfort in each other. He knew they could, but— talking was just so difficult. _Especially_ with his very Kanda-centered problems in the way.

When Allen finished getting ready to go running and re-appeared in the living room, Kanda was already waiting on the couch, prepared as well.

“You look like shit,” he said in greeting.

“I can imagine,” Allen laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Muscle sores are killing me.” He tried blaming everything on his physical condition, but judging by the look Kanda gave him, it was not entirely believable.

“You’ve never been whiny,” the man said as he got up and walked to Allen slowly, stopping a short distance away from him with obvious distaste in his eyes, arms crossed on his chest. “And you’ve never been a coward, but I see you’ve changed.”

Allen was _not_ a coward, he had reasons for everything he did or didn’t do. The whole mess of emotions he’s been dealing with easily shaped into anger under the accusation.

“You sound like you know me,” he worded daringly. “Or maybe you like assuming things about people, Kanda?”

“I know you better than anyone, dipshit. Trying to hide things from me is not gonna get you far.” Kanda seemed very confident with what he was saying, now raising his chin and Allen’s anger immediately got re-directed at himself.

“Except I’m not trying to get anywhere.” He tightened his fists, glaring at Kanda with as much malice as he could muster. Because he was really not. Or at least he shouldn’t.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Kanda scoffed and Allen might have as well been slapped.

He was admittedly going out of his way to talk to Kanda and to help Kanda and to keep Kanda around, but— well, fuck, what was he even doing?

“You know what, I think we shouldn’t be going running together after all.” Allen fully meant what he said and to accentuate that, he turned around and wanted to walk away to his room, but Kanda unexpectedly grabbed him by the scruff of his sweatshirt and started pulling him in the direction of the door.

“Yes, we should. Stop pissing me off,” Kanda snapped and Allen was reduced to walking backwards, almost stumbling, as they made their way to the shoe shelf.

Kanda let go and Allen just stood there, his stare meeting the other’s glare as he was putting on his shoes. As Kanda straightened up, he picked up one of Allen’s shoes and unceremoniously thrown it at his head.

“What the hell!” Allen wanted to argue, hand rubbing his forehead. But Kanda just opened the door and stood there, in the passage, staring, clearly waiting for Allen to get ready.  

They stood frozen, eyes meeting for about a full minute until the tightness in Allen’s chest made him look away. “Fine!” he conceded.

The whole time going outside and running was spent in silence, Allen mostly staring anywhere but at Kanda. It was still hard not to notice how the man was clearly trying to adjust to his pace this time, and eventually Allen realized that this was probably not Kanda being an insensitive asshole, but Kanda being very concerned about him. Unbelievable.

Fuck, Allen was really so stupid. He might have had some issues that were not so easy to fix, but taking it as far as to worry someone, especially _Kanda_ was definitely not okay. He needed to get a grip.

And so he did, more or less. Eventually, as they got back to the apartment, both tired, the only thing that was left was a mild disappointment in himself.

Pride, head and body hurting, Allen started getting himself ready for his classes as soon as he left the shower. He went in first this time, since he had to leave way sooner than Kanda.

He left his bag with books and other stuff in the kitchen and went back to his room for a second, realizing that his phone was still there. When he was back, Kanda was fumbling with the bag, closing the zipper.

“What are you doing?” Allen asked tiredly, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Stealing your fucking wallet, idiot,” Kanda snapped and just thrown the bag at him, which Allen caught, staring blankly. Whatever just happened, it clearly made Kanda uncomfortable, as proven by him walking away and loudly shutting himself in his room. Allen was confused, but he checked if his wallet was in the bag and indeed, it still was. Having no time to wonder about it, he promptly left the apartment. He decided to drive to classes today. He needed to, really, if he didn’t want to be late.

The first class was a lecture and it required him to take notes, but he realized he didn’t have anything to write with. He searched his bag carefully, hoping a pen was somewhere there after all, but what he found instead was— well, it was one of those ready sandwiches from Starbucks. Kanda was bringing them home from work sometimes.

‘No way’, was Allen’s only thought before his mind went blank. He stared at it for a full minute, before his face started feeling hot and he promptly shoved it back into the bag.

“Hey, do you have a pen?” he asked a person next to him, maybe a bit awkwardly, nodding his thanks when the answer turned out to be “sure”.

Then he focused on taking notes.

As he was waiting for his next class, the stupid sandwich in hand, he tried really hard not to think about how Kanda packed it for him. It was ridiculous, it was endearing and it was knotting his stomach, which was uncomfortable since he was eating. He was also impromptu studying, wanting to be prepared, seeing as his next class was more practical. His courses leading to a master’s degree were a mess and sometimes he wondered why he bothered. It _was_ admittedly the last year though and it was only twice a week. Plus his master’s thesis was written since last year anyway. He was writing it whenever he was short on assignments. He sincerely doubted it was very good, but he surely put enough of hard work into it to count for something. He remembered his mother was very proud when he let her read it. His brother though— well, he didn’t as much as touch it, but he seemed very disgusted by the whole situation. He sent him a look that looked much like—

Much like what Steven was sending him right now, across the corridor.

Fuck, of course. _Steven._ They haven’t spoken at all since the date.

He was walking towards him and Allen could not flee even if he wanted to. They already made eye contact after all.

“Hello, Steve.” He smiled at the man reflexively, serving to only make him cross arms on his chest.

“Hi.” His voice was not friendly in the least. “I deserve some explanation, don’t you think?”

“Probably,” Allen sighed as he finished his sandwich, smile dropping. The guy was right, he knew. It didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want to have this conversation at all. “I have a class in five though.”

“Then we can go grab a coffee after it,” he insisted. “It’s your last, right?”

“I have more, but with two hours in-between.”

“I’ll come get you then,” Steven thrown him a glare that was like a three, compared to Kanda’s ten, and walked away.

Allen just sighed again. The faster that’s done the better, he supposed. Also, he actually needed a coffee anyway.

When Steve did indeed come to pick him up after the class, Allen was already waiting.

“Look, I apologize again. What I did was stupid and illogical, but I really don’t think we need to have this conversation,” he said as soon as the other got close to him, but the guy only thrown him a hurt stare before giving him a small sad smile.

“I really liked you, Alex. And I still kind of do. This is really my only request. I think I understand enough, but I want to make sure.”

The guilt was back in full force so Allen answered a quiet “okay” and fixed his bag on his arm, soon following Steven out of the campus in awkward silence. They were going to the nearest Starbucks, it turned out, and if Allen had a bad feeling about this whole situation, it became only worse when Steven spoke up.

“Hey, isn’t that your asshole flatmate?”

Allen’s head whipped around to the cashier and, surely enough, there was Kanda, talking to a customer with a controlled expression. His palms turned sweaty.

“O-oh, shit.” Allen pressed his lips together and Steven eyed him curiously.

“You didn’t know he works here?”

“No, actually. I told you, we’re really not as close as you think.” As his college friend still stared, Allen suddenly realized something. “Maybe I can go take our orders? Just wait at a table or something. I mean, I imagine it will be better after— you know,” he said vaguely, but Steven must have understood, because he just nodded and told him he wants a big Americano, walking away with a lingering stare at the cashier.

Allen moved on to stand in queue, Kanda finally noticing him when he was third. To say he was not pleased to see him would be an understatement. As expected though, he was a very diligent worker and so, he didn’t keep eye contact for long. Eventually he had to look at him, of course, when it was Allen’s turn to order.

“What do you want?” Kanda asked, gritting through his teeth. Surely not to be heard by his co-workers. And Allen didn’t want to be mean, but— no, actually, he definitely felt like being mean. Maybe this way none of them had to be embarrassed by that stupid sandwich situation. Allen knew he was neglecting his stomach yesterday, so it was his own fault in the first place. And this was actually the easiest way to fix it.

“A coffee,” he said with a charming smile. “Any propositions?”

For a moment, Kanda just stared. “Take the most expensive shit and piss off.”

Allen quickly glanced at his name tag. “Rikuya, I’m pretty sure that this is not a way to talk to a customer,” he mocked.

Kanda’s eye twitched. “I lose my job because of you and you pay my rent.”

“Fine. So make me a gingerbread latte.”

“It’s fucking May. And it won’t be me making anything.”

“Can’t you guys improvise?”

“No.”

Then Allen heard someone clear their throat behind him and he briefly checked the queue. Well, it was fun and all, but he guesses he really shouldn’t drag it on too much.

“I’ll have a Hazelnut Mocha Coconutmilk Macchiato,” he said, more seriously this time and Kanda rolled his eyes, putting the order in the system. Then Allen remembered about Steven. “Oh, and an Americano. Both Venti. And make it a takeout.” At that, Kanda thrown a quick look to the right with a sour face. He surely must have recognised his date.

“Fine, smartass,” Kanda murmured and Allen paid, moving away with an apologetic smile at the middle aged woman that was standing behind him. It took her whole three seconds of staring before she finally moved on to the cashier.

As Allen waited for the coffees, he could not resist watching Kanda. He hoped he was doing it discreetly enough, the man was busy anyway. As predicted, he wasn’t smiling at the customers at all, but his expression wasn’t exactly mean either and people seemed satisfied enough with the service. He was fast, efficient and focused. And he looked ridiculously good in that green apron. Allen smiled to himself a bit sadly. He was hopeless.

He stopped staring only when the order was ready. One in each hand, he made his way over to Steven, putting his coffee in front of him before he sat down.

“So, that guy.” Steven made a quick gesture with his head at the cashier.

“He really has nothing to do with this.” Allen answered maybe quicker than he really should have, immediately feeling foolish under the other’s stare.

“I didn’t say anything yet.”

“Yes, sorry. Continue, please.” Allen focused on his drink, trying to contain a sigh. It was already going just great. Especially since Steven hesitated minutely, visibly abandoning whatever he wanted to say before in favor of commenting on Allen’s slip-up.

“You were staring at him just now. You say you’re not close, but I’m still not so sure. Also, I can see that you’re a bit different when he’s around. Actually, it’s like you’re a different person.” Allen got painfully reminded about the fact that he ever liked Steven mostly because of how smart he could be.

“Well, you see… It’s obviously not something I tell everyone, but I _have_ been told that I’m a bit unstable.” Allen glanced to the side. “I told you, our date was just not a good idea in the first place. You’re a sweet and smart guy, you can have better, I’m sure.”

Steven laughed at him. “You really are something. Very entertaining.” He took a sip of his coffee, eyes dancing. “So you’re sure you guys are not fucking?”

“No! We’re not,  _ absolutely not. _ ” Allen managed not to choke on his drink. 

Steven raised eyebrows at him. “Maybe you should,” he said with a smile.

“No.”

“Okay then. And what about your name?”

“My name?” Allen furrowed his eyebrows.

“Yeah. I might have been drunk, but I remember you suddenly didn’t like me calling you ‘Alex’. It never bother you before, but do you actually prefer ‘Alexander’ or… was I talking to someone else back then, maybe?”

Allen tensed.

“No, no. It’s not really _like_ _that_.” Judging by Steven’s stare, he didn’t entirely believe him. Allen sighed. “I just don’t like my name and it slips sometimes.”

“What should I call you then?”

“It’s—” he hesitated, but then looked at Steven properly. “It’s Allen.”

“Okay then, _Allen_ ,” Steven suddenly got up, coffee in hand, and put a hand on his shoulder in a friendly manner. “You’re literally an A-class weirdo, but I still don’t dislike you, so— good luck with the ‘grumpy’ guy.” He smiled lightly and just pointed at his paper cup. “You owed me, but you paid for the coffee, so let’s leave it at that.”

“Okay,” Allen said, feeling entirely too lost as Steven just left. This was literally the smoothest talk of this kind that he ever had and normally that would make the guy get bonus date-able points, but somehow the whole conversation just made Kanda get some. As if he didn't have too many already.

Maybe he was just thinking about it too hard? That is— if someone from outside, like Steven, was insisting that they seem close… Basically, what did he even know? What if it was just a ‘friends being misinterpreted as a couple’ sort of situation? Granted, they would never be a very healthy example to follow regardless, but…

‘This is a bad idea’ he tried to remind himself as he got an idea, about to use Kanda’s number for the first time.

‘Hey asshole, I have a car with me today, so if you want a lift I can wait for you a bit’, he texted and then left to go back to the campus with one last glance at the cashier. Surely that message could pass as just friendly, right?


	20. May 13th, Wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ It's been more than a week since the last update and I haven't really planned on that :x Enjoy!

**May 13th, Wednesday**

Kanda didn’t have a good day yesterday and it was true enough to say that it was mostly Allen's fault.

Not only did he make literally no sense, contradicting himself more and more often, but also seemed to be unaware of his own strange behavior. He was also overly— helpful. In that sort of way that just left Kanda confused. He prepared diner for them yesterday and breakfast today. Worse still was how he tried to pick Kanda up from work. And then, even that was easily beat by how he tried to help him cook during the evening.

Kanda would probably assume that this was Allen flirting… if it was directed at someone else. Because he could not fathom his reasoning. In case of their relation, this just didn’t _fit_. It felt like bean sprout was distancing himself. He was clearly hiding from Kanda. Especially since sometimes he would just plain try to ignore him, like for example always after running or after either of them took a shower. Then that combined with yesterday’s date with Steven just made for helpless burning in Kanda's gut. Because didn’t the last one go all wrong? That’s what Allen said. Meanwhile, they seemed to be comfortable enough in Starbucks, even if Steven went away at one point, leaving Allen alone.

That’s why Kanda decided that the little shit’s behavior was offensive. Whatever was happening in Allen’s head, it needed to stop, he was clearly hurting himself and possibly Kanda as well in the process, even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself.   

The Starbucks job wasn’t helping his sour mood, either. His tasks on their own were okay enough, but the customers were playing on his nerves more often than not. Then there was also his boss. She apparently took it as her mission to be flirting with him whenever possible, ever since she conducted the interview with him. It was really hard to shake her off, too. She seemed to be liking his rude demeanor and left Kanda in a situation where he wasn’t exactly sure how to reject her. Holding it until the end of the month and his first pay seemed less and less possible.

As he went running with Allen this morning, the bean didn’t look at him even once. Then, at work, his boss straight out asked him out. He managed to get his refusal across, but as he got home, his nerves were in shreds.

“How was work?” Allen asked, snacking on some sort of cookies in the kitchen. There was a small smile on his face and Kanda immediately wanted to punch him. It was not exactly fake, but it was strained— where were the teasing smiles, where was the staring? They were slowly back recently and now—

Kanda went straight to him and just pushed him towards the balcony.

“S-so it was bad then,” the bean managed, moving away as soon as they got outside. He seemed very eager to get rid of Kanda’s hand that was pressuring him from the back.

What the fuck was this? If he punched him, would he run like a little bitch too?

Kanda most definitely didn’t feel like talking about work.

“You’ve been even more annoying than usual recently, idiot,” he growled, causing Allen to raise eyebrows at him in surprise as they lit up their cigarettes.

“Are you still mad about me coming to Starbucks?” Allen was referring to their argument yesterday evening, throwing him only a brief glance before he looked away again. And Kanda didn’t give a shit about the idiot coming to fucking Starbucks, he started the argument yesterday, because Allen seemed so _shifty_ , but the idiot of course managed to lead the conversation in a way that suited him best. Allen continued before he could tell him that. “I told you, I didn’t know you worked there. But even so, you didn’t get fired, did you? So there shouldn’t be any problem. I won’t go there anymore, the coffee is too expensive anyw—”

“Just shut up, will you?” Kanda snarled and Allen gave him that deadpan ‘you’re overreacting’ look he sometimes did. Which was fucking hilarious, since what Kanda really wanted to do was pin the little shit to the ground and beat him up until he understood what the whole problem was. He didn’t do it mostly because he was aware that really making it happen would require some words as well and he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.

“It’s amazing what a drama queen you can be sometimes, Kanda. What is it? Is it about your name? Rikuya, right? I won’t call you that. Unlike _someone_ , I’m very respectful about how people want to be addressed. Or do you have a problem with people knowing we know each other?”

“I’m saying it’s not about—” Kanda was going to snap if that idiot wasn’t just going to _listen_.

But Allen kept talking, seemingly forgetting all about his cigarette, even if he was staring at his hands.

“Do you want to impress someone there? I’m _sorry_ if I’m not a friend you would want to brag about, asshole,” Allen made a face and Kanda was done with his bullshit.

Throwing the rest of his cigarette into the ashtray, Kanda abruptly closed the distance between them, hand twisting into Allen’s shirt. That finally shut him up.

“Who would I want to impress? My fucking boss? Do you even hear the shit you’re spewing?” he growled, but then faltered minutely. The grey eyes were finally properly meeting his, but he couldn’t name anything he found there. He could stare for hours and he never felt like he completely understood what he was seeing. Especially with this kind of look— it was his hardest to read one, it seemed like all of Allen’s secrets were just below the surface, but at the same time the surface was completely obscured. It was infuriating.

“Your boss? Is he hitting on you or something? Is that why you’re always so pissed after work?” Allen clearly tired to keep his cool, but nothing in his eyes really changed.

“She is, but I keep trying to tell you it’s _not about wor_ —”

Allen looked away before interrupting him yet again.

“Ah, sorry. I know you’re straight, I didn’t try to _—_ ”

This _stupid, little_ shit—

“When the fuck did I even say I’m straight? And wasn’t it you just recently that was telling _me_ I assume shit about people? What is even happening in your stupid head?” Kanda felt like he could not get in control of the situation, Allen was just too incomprehensible. If he could fucking _listen_ instead of focusing so much on how to side track him so much maybe he wouldn't look so miserable anymore.

The bean looked back at him and he did not seem okay, he seemed a bit feverish and on the verge of falling apart. His lips were pressed tightly together and it took Kanda a good half a minute of staring before he realized— Allen could have only assumed that Kanda was straight because of Alma, he has seen her soul. Was— all of this because of Alma? Did Allen think that they shouldn’t— touch because of her?

“Is this about Alma?” Kanda heard himself say, not really believing that the name slipped so easily. His tone was maybe a bit quieter than it really should have been and something like hurt flashed in Allen’s eyes before he took Kanda’s hands in his and twisted them away. Wearing a very shield-like smile, he just went back inside the apartment.

Kanda noticed the idiot’s cigarette on the floor and thrown it into the ashtray before he pulled out another one for himself. They will really have to talk about Alma eventually, he realized. Maybe also about that asshole Nea, too. And about how Kanda died… Suddenly, he felt like going after Allen, but he just stared ahead and clutched the railing to keep himself where he was. The bean really just had to overcomplicate everything, didn’t he? Kanda was not so good at— talking. Or at feelings. Maybe he should have just kissed Allen. Would that have gotten across? If not, what else? The only thing Kanda was sure he could say to Allen with certainty was that he should stop hiding.

The next few hours were very quiet. Not even in the sense that Allen was nowhere to be seen. He was actually walking around all the time, grabbing this or that, doing laundry. But he seemed to be dead set on treating Kanda like air.

He got a phone call as he cooked, seemingly a portion for two.

“No, mum, of course I’m happy you’re calling,” Allen laughed to the receiver and it sounded so fake that Kanda cringed from where he was sat on the couch.

“Yeah, I’m okay. How is dad?”

There was silence for a good while after that, Allen’s mother probably answering the question. Then, Allen talked about his assignment very briefly, before asking about something that he seemed to be hesitant about.

“And how is Benjamin? I mean, the A levels…”

Kanda briefly wondered who the fuck is Benjamin, but caught on quickly enough that Allen apparently had a brother.

“That’s really great then,” Allen concluded after a while, phone pressed between his shoulder and his face as he tried to maneuver to put his food onto a plate. It wasn’t really working. The idiot could probably drop it any moment. And wasn’t he the one complaining not to waste food?

Kanda got up and walked over, taking the bowl from Allen’s hands. The bean looked at him briefly and smiled just a tiny bit, but didn’t say anything, still on the phone. Kanda grimaced lightly, soon taking both portions of food to the table before Allen could think of eating in his room like he tended to whenever he was uncomfortable.

“Yeah, mum, I’m listening. What about the cats?”

Kanda turned to look at him and caught him staring, but Allen just looked away. Kanda didn’t like when he did that. Soon he was trying to finish the conversation.

“Hey, mum… mum, sorry, but I’m kind of about to eat. Call you later?”

Allen moved to sit down at the table across from him.

“Yeah, promise.” With that, Allen ended the call. Blocking his phone before setting it on the table.

“You have a brother?” Kanda asked almost immediately. He was determined not to let Allen brood anymore. Mostly because he knew that he could probably fix it. If he had the guts to speak about what the bean wanted to hear.

“Huh?” Allen seemed distracted for a moment, stabbing his spaghetti with a fork. “Yeah, I do. He’s younger than me… And he kind of hates me, so I always pull out of my mum what is going on with him. I think she’s not really aware that we don’t speak though.” He furrowed his eyebrows, still staring at his food for a moment before he started eating. “You?”

“I don’t have siblings,” Kanda answered truthfully. “But both my parents hate me.”

Allen laughed shortly as if it was hilarious, because he always did that when something was extremely unfunny.

“It’s funny. I always thought that having a family would be really nice, but they just make everything harder sometimes. Especially since we can’t really be…” he trailed off, trying to find a word. “open,” he concluded, stuffing his face as he cast his eyes downwards again.

“Yeah,” Kanda answered with a grimace. Family support and whatnot was all bullshit. It was just not happening. Which was all the more reason that Allen should just get his shit together enough to be able to listen when Kanda is ready to talk.

“You know, Lenalee is dealing with hers very okay. The parents, the husband and the kids. I have no clue how she does it.”

“She’s always been like that,” Kanda scoffed. He meant that somehow she always managed to stay emotionally strong, even as she wore her heart on her sleeve more often than not. He respected her for that.

Allen understood. “That’s true,” he said and then there was silence again.

Kanda observed the other as they ate and decided that maybe he didn’t really know what he should do, but he still couldn’t just leave Allen be.

He kicked his chair from the bottom, making the bean jump and start coughing as he stared in indignation. No one should ever interrupt Allen’s meal, Kanda knew. Except that he didn’t give a shit.

“ _What_ ,” Allen managed out sharply.

Kanda firmly reminded himself that family wasn’t what they needed to really talk about. “If you’re curious about anything concerning me, how about you try me instead of assuming things.” Kanda was only mildly uneasy at how sexual it ended up sounding. It was still easier to make it sexual than otherwise. His tone was low and he kept his eyes on Allen.

Allen almost choked, which was a first and then made a tremendous, visible effort to pretend that it didn’t happen. They were staring at each other for a good while, Kanda pretty much observing him reason his way out of Kanda’s implication.

“Well, I just asked you if you have siblings, didn't I?” The bean knew for sure how full of shit he was being. Kanda clearly meant something way more… personal than that. Then, maybe influenced by his stare, Allen continued. “Since when are you so mature to say something like that?

Kanda glared. Honestly, this idiot…

“Maybe since I’ve lived for twenty years this time and not fucking ten,” he scoffed. And Kanda was sure it was more than ten, but fuck the details. The bean should get the idea.

Except the he actually had the nerve to look at him in confusion for a moment before he just moved to stare at his food again with a very strange expression.

“O-oh, right.”

Kanda couldn’t find anything more to add and they finished the meal in silence that now seemed more thoughtful than depressing. Maybe that’s why Kanda decided to let the topic die out.

When he went to bed a bit later, he couldn’t really sleep.

He was trying to reach out, but the stubborn idiot seemed so far from convinced that it was like everything he tried to do was futile. Maybe he really should have just kissed him. Even if it was a bit easier said than done. Fucking was easy, kissing was— not. With Allen specifically, both still felt pretty much impossible. It was his own fault for wanting it at all, but he knew that the feeling was helping him in a way. It made Kanda feel alive.

 


	21. May 14th, Thursday

**May 14th, Thursday**

Allen was trying very hard not to let yesterday get to him. It was a bit hard to interpret Kanda’s behavior. On one hand, he felt like Kanda was encouraging him, trying to tell him that them getting closer would be okay. On the other— well, it was simply hard to access how serious he was about it. Maybe mostly because Kanda never really acted this way before. Encouraging Allen to talk about personal matters? _As if_. That was entirely new. And mentioning Alma’s name of all things…

Allen was scared, he realized. It was becoming more and more obvious that there were things they needed to talk about and that was just simply never easy. He was terrified about the outcome of it. He never really pressed people for personal information before anyway. He didn’t really know how to do it. And that combined with his fears— well.

When they went running in the morning and Kanda seemed to be throwing him a challenge by picking up the usual pace, Allen let him, actually trying to go even faster than that. They ended up pretty much racing like idiots and Allen has never been this glad that almost no one was around, because some bystander could have easily gotten hurt. They were pretty much dead by the time they should be turning back and Allen could barely move. 

“We really should quit smoking,” he rasped out, finally just stopping in place, his body completely refusing to cooperate. He leaned forward, hands resting on his knees. 

After a moment, Kanda leaned his back on a tree next to then and thrown him a look. His neck was stretched up soon enough, head thrown back to rest on the bark and Allen had to look away. His already parched throat was turning even drier, stomach dropping with the stirrings of arousal. That was just not good, Kanda was way too attractive like this. The skin of his neck looked so inviting. 

“ _ We _ ?” the man echoed eventually, in-between heavy breaths. 

“Well, I can’t quit so easy if you keep on doing it. You know how it works,” Allen answered, actually managing to let out a laugh. He let himself rest for just a bit more, closing his eyes, before he spoke up again. “Can we— can we just walk back? I think I can’t manage,” he admitted, but didn’t feel so bad about it, because, in all honesty, Kanda didn’t seem to be doing that much better. 

“Yeah.” Kanda nodded minutely, further confirming what Allen thought and then he pushed off of the tree, getting back to his side. “Water first?”

“Sure,” Allen nodded as well and straightened up, both of them turning in the direction of the small store they went to once before. That is, Kanda was leading, because Allen didn’t quite remember where it was. 

They were walking embarrassingly slow, but it wasn’t so bad. At least until Allen tripped on the stairs leading to the store, his legs too heavy to properly listen to him. He would have bumped into Kanda’s back and probably sent them both flying forward, but the other’s reflexes were still as quick as ever. He half turned and caught him with an arm around his side, losing balance only briefly before getting a hold of it again. 

“Watch it,” he said and Allen just answered “sorry” reflexively. But then Kanda didn’t really let go and he had to swallow with difficulty. They weren’t exactly pressed together, but the contact was enough for him to quickly start feeling more than uncomfortable. He pushed away, ignoring Kanda’s intense stare. 

“Water,” Allen reminded, climbing the stairs again. “Do you have change?”

“Yeah,” Kanda answered after a moment, facing away.

“Then I’ll wait here.”

Then Allen just sat down on the stairs, relishing in the short moment of solitude as Kanda was gone. This was getting really difficult. Not touching Kanda, that is. His whole body ached to do something, anything, but his mind was still successfully stopping him. Even… even if Kanda seemed so  _ willing  _ sometimes. 

Allen wasn’t sure of anything anymore, he wasn’t sure what to do. It was very hard to differentiate what he should let himself do and what he should not. He reasoned with himself that he and Kanda should be friends, but what would that even mean exactly? Friends _talk_. Kanda and Lenalee were friends. Did that mean he ever talked to Lenalee about Alma? Allen didn’t think so. Friends were helpful, too. And he did offer to pick Kanda up from work two days ago, but it didn’t happen at the end. Mostly because Kanda’s answer to his text proposing it was ‘So you’d wait for an hour just to save me 25 mins of using public transport. And I can’t believe you have a car and we went shopping on foot, dumbshit.’ Leave it to Kanda to embarrass and annoy Allen with one damn message. He had him saved as ‘Kanda’ in contacts before, but this was enough to make him change it to ‘Jerkanda’ instead. ‘Suit yourself’ was Allen’s only reply and he went home alone.

Then the next day his classes were significantly shorter and he didn’t go by car in the first place. Not that repeating the offer was an option anyway. And Allen felt like going to Starbucks again, not necessarily because of the coffee, but he didn’t go in the end.

He felt so— starved for attention. It was ridiculous. They were running together, eating together, talking through mornings and evenings. And this was still not _enough_. Allen was resisting any stupid ideas he might get, but he felt his resolve gradually weaken.

Kanda was back with water soon enough, sitting beside him. Their legs were touching, but Allen decided that moving away would actually be more telling than just waiting it out. They should be getting going soon anyway. 

He observed from the corner of his eye as Kanda drank and tried not to hesitate when he passed the bottle to him afterwards. After both of them were done, the bottle was empty and Allen just thrown it into a nearby trash can from where he sat.

“Good to go?” he asked, but Kanda was already shifting. It irked him when the side of his leg was missing the contact. How pathetic can someone get?

Very pathetic, apparently. Because when Kanda offered him a hand, he took it with embarrassing eagerness, letting the man help him stand up before he let go. He tried to ignore that both of them surely knew how unnecessary that was. 

Sticking to being friendly was maybe not very easy, but at least he had an excuse to ask things. They were both sitting at the table now, hungrier than ever after the jogging-turned-racing. Allen’s not very properly dried hair was sometimes sending a chilling drop of water down his spine. Kanda’s was already almost dry at the top and his fringe looked sort of funny, but Allen just thought it was endearing. He tried not to look too much. 

He found himself not able to hold the curiosity about Kanda’s take on any real job career. The man admitted that yes, he did follow Allen’s advice already a few days ago and was currently researching Kendo certificates and whatnot. It was kind of difficult to pull that admission out of him, but then Kanda sort of just gave up, pretty much openly complaining.

“This is bullshit, because I will have to start from the lowest levels. They won’t let me jump anything without a recommendation and where the fuck would I even get that,” he said, drinking the green tea that Allen made for him in-between rounds of toasts.

“Maybe… you could try to contact someone? You know, someone with authority. And explain that you’re self-taught or whatever and would like some evaluation?” Allen sighed. “Although that bit would probably be easier if you were still in Japan, to be honest.”

“Contact someone? Why the fuck would you think it’s that simple?” Kanda scoffed, but was looking at him with badly concealed curiosity. 

“Look, I can imagine you probably know literally nothing about this, but a polite and coherent email can really work wonders sometimes.”

“You just said why it won’t work. Your point?” Kanda was staring at him and Allen was trying very hard not to fidget or look away. He was just giving advice after all, there was nothing wrong with that.

And well, Allen had an idea, but— if Kanda was going to be terrible about this, like he was about pretty much every single thing Allen tried to do for him recently, he was seriously going to hit him. Metaphorically, because actually hitting him would easily turn into hitting on him.  

“I could technically— write that email,” he said carefully, immediately stuffing his face with some more food, before he could add anything embarrassing. 

Kanda continued just staring, but eventually answered as Allen still managed not to look away.

“And what’s in it for you?” His eyes narrowed slightly as he leaned back into his chair, crossing arms on his chest.

“You know— the joy of helping people…” Allen said, gesticulating vaguely with his hand. 

“Right,” Kanda said and suddenly Allen forgot what friendly even meant, because the other scowled at him, something very intense and hard to identify in his eyes. “Just like wanting to pick me up from work. Or trying to help me cook.”

Allen’s chest tightened. This felt like they were threading on a very dangerous territory even if he didn't have any ulterior motives to do what Kanda just mentioned. And he realized he shouldn’t have offered to help with the email. His behavior was clearly bothering Kanda, as proven by yesterday’s moment on the balcony. ‘More annoying than usual’, he said.

In response to Allen’s tense silence, Kanda just continued. 

“Looking for a girlfriend, Walker? Need someone to take care of? You should try somewhere else.” Suddenly, there was a foot on his chair, in-between his thighs and Allen felt all blood drain from his face. Since yesterday, something has changed. Was Kanda going to be acting like this now? So— so _provocative_? Allen remembered his remark to ‘try him’ and he almost shuddered.

Allen made himself glare mildly for a moment as he fought to keep calm. Then he just let a fake smile stretch his lips.

“That’s not funny, Kanda. Your jokes need more practice.”

Kanda grimaced, very obviously displeased with his expression. “It was not a joke, shithead.”

Allen tried not to feel terrified. Were his attempts at friendliness feeling like courting? Allen never sucked at filtering his behavior, far from it, he usually knew what people wanted to hear and see. This was a really bad time for his skills to start failing him. Because hitting on Kanda was the last thing he actually wanted to do. If he was trying that, he would be probably undressing already. Actually, no. He would be undressing by the time that Kanda implied he was not entirely heterosexual. Right there, on the balcony. 

“I was trying to be friendly, you jerk,” he admitted, avoiding his gaze. He realized that maybe it was completely lost on Kanda. Allen was just stupid, wasn’t he? Friendly and Kanda were admittedly not the most fitting pair. The foot way too close to his crotch was bothering him greatly, so he did the first most reasonable thing and got up. He lost all appetite anyway.

Kanda rolled his eyes in obvious exasperation as Allen placed one foot on the seat to then smoothly pass it to the other side, not intending to disturb Kanda’s position in the least. 

“Friendly,” Kanda echoed somewhere behind, unimpressed. Then he continued. “Is that really what you want?” And Allen was dying inside silently, putting his plate and mug into the dishwasher, steeling himself to avoid eye contact for when he was done and had to turn to face him. He did _not_ want to know what Kanda meant by that.

“What else would I want,” he managed out. 

By the time he turned around, feeling like he should flee from the kitchen, Kanda was standing right in front of him and he was forced to stay rooted in place if he didn’t want to bump into him. 

This was really bad, bad,  _ bad _ . 

Kanda didn’t really say anything anymore, but maybe that was actually even worse. He was just standing there with his gorgeous face, staring. And Allen had the worst possible thought imaginable. That Kanda really might be interested in him after all. Before yesterday, Allen never let himself wonder about this. Wonder if something was potentially possible between them on Kanda’s side. It was just not really that simple. Kanda being willing would just make everything worse. Allen would have less reasons to resist. He just didn’t want them to hurt each other, was it really so bad? Was there a flaw in his logic?

Then Kanda sort of looked like he wanted to say something after all, but ended up just getting a bit closer.

And Allen ached to react. But he couldn’t. He’s been very intensely thinking about all of his reasons not to approach Kanda with his feelings recently and maybe Kanda made him minutely doubt Alma’s role in all this yesterday, but that was not all. He was very sure that there was something else. He was repeatedly getting an impression that Nea, that _he_ hurt Kanda somehow and the feeling was always intense enough to make him sick. What he didn’t understand at all was why Kanda didn’t seem to have any grudge against him whatsoever. It was really strange, since the man supposedly remembered everything. Allen sometimes had a fleeting thought to just ask, but the words never left his mouth. 

He remembered Kanda there and then Kanda was gone. Only two things could have happened. He either left or— died. 

“I need to get to my assignment,” Allen managed shakily, heart long since beating erratically in his throat. 

If Kanda as much as touched him, Allen was pretty sure he would yield right away. But he didn’t, so after a few long seconds, Allen brushed past him, retreating to his room.

Soon Kanda had to leave for work and Allen really had to focus on his assignment, he wasn’t just saying it. He was also planning to do the same tomorrow. Lenalee was coming on Saturday and he couldn’t afford to stay too behind with his progress. If he sometimes felt dizzy, mind weighing down with memories of battles alongside Kanda, he strained to push it to the back of his head.


End file.
